Don't Compare

One of the biggest problems I see in the bariatric community - with each of us individually - is how we let other people's successes affect the joy we get from our own successes. If someone loses 5 more pounds than me, should I be resentful of that person's success? No, of course not! But how often do we hear newbies compare themselves to others who are the same time out from surgery who may have lost more than they did. All the time! "So and So lost 50 pounds already, why have I only lost 40 pounds?"

Don't do that! Don't allow yourself to diminish the amazing work you've done by comparing. Just don't do it.

Center of My Universe

It has been 3.5 years since I had weight loss surgery and WLS is no longer the center of my universe. Actually, WLS has been moving further and further away from the center for some time now - it's just that in the past few months I've noticed it more. Let me explain.

When I first had surgery - in fact, in the year before surgery - my whole world revolved around the fact that I had made a huge decision to change my life, my habits and the way I thought about myself in terms of being healthy or not. The decision to alter the anatomy of my body was an extreme step. 

WLS isn't just a way to lose weight and get healthy, it physically alters my body and changes the way I make every decision about my body for the rest of my life. It's not just about eating the right foods and exercising and taking my vitamins - it's having to do all those things 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year without a single day off. This isn't a diet that I can start and stop anytime I want, it's a change to the very core of my life and how I live it every minute of the day. 

For the first couple years after WLS, I felt every single one of those minutes of my day. But slowly I worked my way toward "normal" (and even wrote about it here a few times - "Working Toward Normal"). I was making a conscious effort to stop thinking about WLS all the time and stop allowing it to define who I was as a person. No, I'll never be a non-WLS person, but I can find a way for it to be just one small part of who I am rather than the whole.

Long time readers who know me, know that I'm a busy person. I work a full-time job, I commute to work the equivalent of another part time job (on the road 15 hours a week), I go to school full time and a bunch of other stuff (ya know, like writing a book and stuff). So it's not like I've let WLS bog me down and get in the way of living my life - but it was always occupying a large part of my thinking space. 

I'm sure you've noticed in the past couple months that my blog posting has diminished significantly. I also haven't been visiting the WLS forums as often as I used to. Granted, some of this is due to a more intense workday and school schedule ... but a large part of this is due to the fact that WLS is no longer the center of my universe. 

I know that my blog posts have been pretty fluffy lately. Not a lot of in depth research or lessons like I've shared in the past. Some of that is probably a result of being so entrenched in school and it using up so much of my brain power. But it might also be a result of putting so much of my WLS energies into the writing of my book (yes, it's coming!). So even though you haven't seen it here, I've honestly been writing about WLS like a madwoman! But it's draining my energy. A lot. Like, seriously a lot. So I've been a bit distanced from the WLS community and blog world these past few months. 

Is this a good thing? Is it bad? It is neither? I don't know... for now it's an observation and something I'll contemplate a bit more in the coming weeks. I don't plan to go away or leave this blog abandoned or anything. The archives still have a lot of valuable information for those who are just starting their journey and I hope people find it helpful still. But I suspect the direction of this blog might change a bit in the coming months - from WLS-centric to Pam-centric instead. Sort of a chronicle of what life is like as a normal person who just happened to have WLS. 

So that's what's on my mind today as I work on the final edits of the book and get it ready to be submitted to the publisher in the next week or two. My brain hurts and I'm exhausted from being overextended, but it's an interesting thing to realize that WLS isn't the center of my universe anymore and that I'm living a pretty normal life these days. It's taken over four years to get here - so this is a new place for me. 

~Pam

I'm Impulsive

Today I bought a new Jawbone Bluetooth  headset. Why? I didn't need one. In fact, I've already got a Jawbone in a newer model that works just fine. So why did I buy a new one? Well, it was only $9.99 and it was PINK! Two reasons that seemed to justify the impulsive purchase. Right? Nah... not so much.

Earlier I was in another part of the office building where I work, making some deliveries of paperwork to folks, and I ran across a spread of homemade cookies and goodies. I looked. I thought about it. I wanted one of those chocolate chip cookies so bad! But I turned around and walked the other way without partaking.

For the past several weeks I have been working on Impulse Control. So far today I'm 1 for 2.

So what's the big deal about Impulse Control, anyway? I'm glad you asked. During a discussion a month or so ago with a WLS friend, we were discussing the difference between Food Addiction and Compulsive Eating. I know that many in the bariatric community struggle with a food addiction and those who don't usually have some level of obsessive compulsive disorder that shows up in some form or another as compulsive eating. (Thank you Dr. Williams for teaching me about the differences and helping me discover where I stand on the spectrum.)

To read more about this stuff, here are some links:

• Food Addiction (and another link)
• Compulsive Eating
• Impulse Control Disorder
• Obsessive / Compulsive Disorder

I'm not a food addict and I don't believe I have a full-blown mental disorder for any of the others I've listed above. But I know I struggle with some minor level of compulsive eating that is somehow based in impulse control. Binge eating, out-of-control frenzied feelings, overeating and grazing all fall into this category. I've already got some OCD tendencies in other areas of my life where I like things neat and orderly and symmetrical and "just so" -- so it makes sense that it would flow over into my relationship with food. (by the way, those "neat and orderly" tendencies don't extend to all areas of my life - just putting that out there for those who have seen my messy kitchen and wonder if I've lost my mind with that statement LOL!)

I don't believe I'm into this compulsive eating stuff so deep that I have "binge eating disorder" or "compulsive overeating" -- but there are times when grazing can get out of control or I eat based on impulse rather than in a deliberate or planned way.

This impulsiveness with food seems to show itself in other areas of my life too. Impulsive shopping/buying is the one that I seem to notice the most. Never to the point of financial ruin - in fact, I'm debt-free and don't even use credit cards - so I'm not actually spending money that I don't have to spend. But, just like all of us, I sure could use a bit more padding in my retirement and savings accounts and cutting back on those impulsive purchases might help those accounts grow faster.

So I'm making a conscious effort these days to pay closer attention to my impulse control. Nothing formal or rigid - just trying to be more aware of why I make decisions throughout the day.

Isn't it fascinating how we continually learn new things about ourselves as we go through this WLS Journey? Remember the days when we'd just float through life in a blissful daze of disinterest in what was really happening around us or within us? Nowadays I seem to in-tuned with my body and my mental state and seem to notice stuff like never before. So right now I'm working on the impulse stuff. Who knows what else I'll learn about myself in the next phase of self-discovery...

~Pam

5 Ways to Slow Down for the Holiday

The Christmas parties started on December 7th and every few days there was another party or luncheon or program to attend. Between December 7th and December 24th, there were TEN different parties or gatherings on my calendar. Add Christmas Day and another family Christmas gathering on New Year's Day and that adds up to TWELVE parties. I'm all partied out!

I've baked more cookies this season than I care to think about. My mother hosted a charity Cookie Walk at the VFW Post last weekend and I baked about 20 dozen cookies. Then our family had a traditional Cookie Exchange this week and where I handed out adorable snowman cookies and received back 7 dozen delicious varieties of cookies (which will mostly be given away as gifts). I'm all cookied out!

Earlier this season I made the decision to not put up my Christmas tree this year. Not that I'm being a hum-bug or anything... just that if I put up Christmas decorations I'll only have to find time to take them down in January sometime. With my schedule so hectic and all these parties going on, I'm not home very often in the first place. Plus, I am enjoying everyone else's decorations when I go visit them. So don't feel bad for me, I'm glad I made that decision.

Today is December 17th and I have purchased a grand total of THREE gifts and many, many more to go. And let's not even begin to discuss wrapping gifts yet. But I'm not stressed because I have a plan. Today I'll review my shopping list and determine what everyone will get and where it can be bought. Then I'll hit Amazon later this evening and order as many gifts as I can online to save my sanity and avoid battling the crowds in the stores. Whatever items I need to buy locally I'll do that in the stores with as much cheer and fortitude as possible. Having a detailed and specific shopping list helps keep me focused and on-budget with my Christmas shopping for sure!

Slowing down is essential during this time of the year.

Between now and Christmas I plan to schedule as much down-time as possible so I can enjoy this most sacred season. Here are the top 5 things I'm doing to slow down and enjoy Christmas this year:

1. Listen to Christmas Music. I have been tuned into K-Love Radio as much as possible. They have a Christmas-Music-Only station available on their website and it's awesome! You can also create a custom radio station on Pandora Radio with your favorite style of Christmas music.
2. Watch Christmas Movies. The Hallmark Channel is always good for a sentimental Christmas special. ABC Family channel has the 25 Days of Christmas movie line up. And of course, you have to make time for watching It's a Wonderful Life or Charlie Brown Christmas.
3. Enjoy the Christmas tree in the dark. One of the best things in the world is to turn off all the lights in the house except the lights on the Christmas tree then just sit and enjoy the beauty of the twinkling lights. Since I don't have a tree this year, I'll do the same thing with a row of candles on my fireplace hearth.
4. Spread the Joy of Christmas. With all the Christmas cookies I baked this year I have lots and lots to give away and share. Everyone loves to receive a small plate of homemade cookies, right? Why not visit an elderly neighbor bringing cookies and eggnog and staying for a visit. Or find a local choir who will be singing in the neighborhood and go Christmas caroling. When I was young my church would prepare cookie trays for the shut-ins and go sing at their door as we delivered the goodies.
5. Attend a Christmas Program, Play or Concert. Local churches put on the greatest programs every year (have you heard the crazy song by Bunch of Believers called Putting on a Play? Hilarious!) Also check the local theaters, playhouses and community organizations for concerts or plays going on all during the month of December. My local historic theater has several concerts to choose from! The Sweet Adelines are singing this weekend and I'll be there enjoying their beautiful harmonies.
   
   And one more bonus tip:
6. Give thanks to God. Remember that this season is a celebration of the gift God sent to us when Jesus was born. Be sure to take time away from the hustle of the baking and shopping and decorating to thank the Lord for his bountiful blessings in our lives.

Enjoy the next week leading up to Christmas and remember to take a bit of down-time for yourself!

~Pam

5 Minutes a Day

At last month's support group meeting, I issued a challenge to my group members. "Spend 5 minutes a day doing something just for YOU." The goal is to realize that we need to take time out of our busy days of doing-for-others and focus on our own health and well-being. Not just our physical health, but most especially our emotional health. Here are some suggestions for how to spend your 5 Minutes.

1. Tea Time: In the quiet of the early morning before the rest of the house is awake, take the time to brew yourself a cup of tea (or coffee or cocoa) and sit quietly with your thoughts. Keep the lights dim, curl up on the couch with a warm blanket and savor the alone-time. This ritual is also ideal for night time just before bed - it will allow you to clear your mind of the day's worries and prepare you for restful sleep.
2. Yoga: I love Yoga and find the streches help me to relax while allowing my body parts to slowly wake up and become alert for the day. Many mornings I'll start my day with 3 or 4 Sun Salutations followed by a few other yoga poses. A full-blown yoga practice would be about an hour, but if I can start my day with 5 minutes of stretching and focus, it makes my day more relaxed overall.
3. Meditation: There are many definitions of meditation. My personal theory is that meditation is simply a time to be quiet with your mind and allow yourself to be present in the moment. Sitting comfortably in a chair with your eyes closed and palms facing upward allows you to bring your focus to your breath and allow your  mind to relax in the moment.
4. Pampering: It only takes 5 minutes to paint your toenails or put on a mud mask for a quick facial. It only takes a few minutes to slather your body with yummy smelling lotion or do a mini-manicure. Pampering your body isn't about being selfish or vain, it's about taking care of yourself in a way that will allow you to feel good about how you look and feel. Emotional health is just as important as physical health and pampering is all about taking care of how we feel about ourselves.
5. Awareness Walk: I'm not talking about a "workout" when I suggest a walk. This is more of a meditative walk where you walk slowly and take in the sites and sounds around you. Notice the nip in the air as winter arrives. Notice the sounds of birds chirping as you walk through the woods. Notice how the air feels as it enters and exits your lungs. Feel the crunch of gravel under your feet. Just a short walk around your neighborhood or even your backyard will help you to appreciate the blessings you have in  your life.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? How will you spend your 5 Minutes a Day?

~Pam

Our Emotional Bank Account

There's a daily email medication service my friend Keith introduced me to by Hazelden - it's called Today's Gift. I receive it each day - and when Keith finds one he particularly likes, he'll forward his copy to me too (in case I ignored mine).  You can sign up for the daily email meditation at Hazelden - it's a website dedicated to those overcoming addiction or destructive behavior (food addiction, overeating and emotional negative self talk fall into this category too!). It's all about recovery.


A recent message caught my eye and I wanted to share it with you.


Reflection for the Day
One of the best ways to get out of the self-pity trap is to do some "instant bookkeeping." For every entry of misery on the debit side of our ledger, we can surely find a blessing to mark on the credit side: the health we enjoy, the illnesses we don't have, the friends who love us and who allow us to love them, a clean and sober 24 hours, a good day's work. If we but try, we can easily list a whole string of credits that will far outweigh the debit entries which cause self-pity. Is my emotional balance on the credit side today?

Today I Pray
May I learn to sort out my debits and credits and add it all up. May I list my several blessings on the credit side. May my ledger show me, when all is totaled, a fat fund of good things to draw on.

Today I Will Remember
I have blessings in my savings.

~Pam

Guest Post: Self Worth and Sexuality

Matt Phillips is a young professional who has found his voice in advocating for women's health issues. Below is an article he wrote for you, my readers, about how we must learn to value ourselves in the context of a healthy lifestyle and how it relates to our sexuality, birth control choices and self-esteem.

One thing Matt doesn't touch on that's essential for WLS patients to remember is the importance of TWO forms of birth control after surgery. It can be dangerous for our health as women to become pregnant within the first 18 months after weight loss surgery and with rapid weight loss we become highly fertile. So we must take the appropriate precautions to protect our delicate health.

Respecting Yourself Means Respecting Your Sexuality
by Matt Phillips

Starting on the road to total health involving the body and mind requires you to look deep into your life and correct the aspects that hold you back.  Unfortunately, a poor self image and lack of self-esteem can wreak havoc, leaving you emotionally battered and willing to compromise yourselves physically. This physical compromise, which can devastate your self-esteem, manifests itself clearly in the form of sexuality you share with others and exhibit in your own life.

An important aspect of your wellbeing resides in a healthy sexual outlook on the world and yourself. That means valuing yourself as an individual and recognizing your needs and desires as a human being. However, in the attempt to please your partner, you can sometimes fall into the trap of compromising yourself. This compromise is often accompanied by a greater loss of self respect and a digression into other poor lifestyle choices that can pollute your mind and body.

Whether this self compromise is a result of low self-esteem, guilt or an overwhelming desire to please others, it is not healthy. One serious way this compromise can manifest itself is through unsafe sexual practices, such as having multiple partners, not using adequate protection or using unsafe contraceptive methods. Sex without properly valuing yourself becomes a way to maintain a relationship or win cheap affection from your partner. Instead, sex needs to be seen as a mutual activity meant to increase a bond, not maintain or create one.

For obvious reasons, having multiple sex partners is a poor life decision. Besides the emotional toll and lack of fulfillment, having multiple partners leaves you at risk for acquiring any number of sexually transmitted diseases. In addition, engaging in this risky practice puts others at risk as the spread of these diseases is accelerated. Even early intimacy, before you have fully gotten to know your partner, is a compromising act because it is used as a way to win affection.

Not using responsible contraception, or failing to use any at all, also indicates a lack of self-esteem and the presence of those feelings of worthlessness you must fight to overcome. By apparently making sex more enjoyable or “spontaneous” for your partner, you actually make it more dangerous and demeaning for yourself. Sex at this level is a base, physical act, carrying with it physical consequences.

Even some contraceptive options, meant to make sex safer and less risky, carry with them serious results. Oral contraception, while effective in preventing pregnancy, in no way stops the spread of disease. However, some young, inexperienced women might be misled into thinking they are protected and free to engage in risky sexual acts. Obviously, this is a dangerous misconception that can have tragic results.

Even if women are using oral contraceptives correctly, the type they choose might carry serious health consequences that weren’t properly studied or made known. The sheer number of Yaz lawsuits, where users have experienced side effects as serious as heart attack, stroke, blood clots, pulmonary embolisms, and gallbladder disease, highlights the danger in hastily choosing an oral contraceptive because of its popularity or marketing. Choosing the right form of contraception involves taking the time to choose the safest product on the market.

The final indication of self esteem and positive feelings of self worth is the ability to resist pressure from others. Only when you have mastered control over yourself, your relationships and, finally, your insecurities, can you say you have fully embraced yourself as worthy. Very often, abstinence is the right choice in the early stages of a relationship or when you do not feel comfortable. Respecting yourself means putting your needs over the desires of someone else.

Developing a healthy lifestyle involves adapting all aspects of your life, including your sexuality. When you have developed a positive sense of self, you no longer feel pressure to conform to traditional relationship roles, to stereotypes or to those around you. True self-worth involves knowing yourself and refusing to compromise. You place a higher value on your body when you find this self worth and stop polluting or compromising it with risky sexual habits or oral contraceptives.

It’s important to note that none of us are born with high self-esteem. We must spend our lives earning it. Indeed, for those who have compromised themselves in the past, winning back that self-esteem is a process. However, developing a healthy self-image, especially in regards to sexuality, is especially important because of all we have to lose when we don’t properly value it.

Brain Dump - Part 2

See Part 1 of the Brain Dump process.


My Emotional Journal - great for keeping brain dump lists!

 So now that you’ve got this big long list of stuff you’ve dumped out of your brain, it’s time to do something with all those bullet points. The process for going through the bullet points really depends a lot on what’s on your list. So I’ll detail the steps below for a couple different types of lists – pick which one applies to you and run with it.

The Emotional Turmoil Brain Dump List

When we have a lot of emotional baggage that we need to work through, sometimes it can seem very overwhelming to look at the big picture of everything that needs to be dealt with. So a Brain Dump list for emotional and psychological issues can help make the process more manageable. For this type of list you would put one small problem on each line and just keep listing things until you’ve emptied your brain of the swirling thoughts. Rather than listing the big things on the list, you’d drill down and list all the little things that make up big issues. So instead of listing “relationship problems” as a single bullet point, you’d list individual problems within each of the relationships you want to work on.
Once you have a finished list, it’s time to deal with the items on the list one by one. DO NOT rearrange the list or try to organize it in any way. In fact, don’t even read the list. Just let it live on paper the way it was created. Take the first item on the list and write it down on a new sheet of paper. Then close the original list and don’t look at it again. Right now your only concern is that single item.

Set a timeframe for you to work on this single item. It could be a day or two or it could be a week or more – depending on the nature of that item and how much time you’ll devote to this process each day. Explore your thoughts and feelings about this single item and journal about as much as you need to. Meditate on the solution, write out your feelings, talk about it with a loved one if that’s appropriate. Do whatever you need to do in order to get this one single issue resolved.

Once you are “finished” with that single item – end it. If you literally need to write “The End” after your journal entry, then do it. Or if it’s just a mental acknowledgement that the topic is closed and you feel like it’s resolved, then just make that mental note. But make a formal END to the single item you’ve just worked through.

Now take a day off. Consciously allow your mind to be clear and take an emotional vacation day from the work you’ve just put in. Because tomorrow, you do the whole process over again with the second thing on your list.

Yes, this is a long process and it could take months or even years to work all the way through the list. As you think of new things to add to the list, you’ll just write them to the end of the current list and deal with them in order. The key is to keep your brain free of the emotional turmoil so you can continue to work on one small issue at a time and grow little by little along the way.

The To-Do List Brain Dump

When you’re planning a big event, vacation, project or just have a lot of stuff to do in life… you’ll likely have a list that looks like a huge task list. For this type of list you’ll actually work with the Brain Dump bulleted list after it’s done to organize it into categories so you can actually get these tasks done in an organized way.

You’ll want to start with some blank sheets of paper – one sheet for each of the main categories of tasks that are included on your Brain Dump list. It can be individual sheets of paper, or just new pages within a journal or even a computerized document – whatever works best for you. At the top of each new page, write the category. Examples might be:

• Household tasks
• Work tasks
• Kid tasks
• Home improvement tasks

Once you have your multiple lists ready to go, start copying individual bullet points from the master Brain Dump list onto the category pages. You can organize the tasks on each list priority or in groups of like tasks. It might also be a good idea to decide which items need to be done right away and which things can be put off for several weeks or longer. Cross stuff off the Brain Dump list as you transfer them to the category lists and keep going until you are done.

Once you have several sheets of task lists, make a plan to get those to-do lists complete. Don’t overwhelm yourself with trying to do them all at once – that would defeat the purpose of the Brain Dump process. Instead, determine which things are most important and start there. You might want to mark priority tasks with a red star or something that works for you.

Combination Brain Dump Lists

More than likely you’ll end up with a Brain Dump list that is a combination of the above two types of lists. The way to deal with this is to go through your Emotional Turmoil list and pull off the Task List stuff. Cross off tasks as you remove them from the main Brain Dump list and leave the Emotional stuff alone – just ignore that stuff cuz you’re not allowed to be looking at those items, remember.

So now that you’ve got a perfectly clear brain, how does it feel? Have you learned anything about yourself along the way? Have you added anything to the process that’s helped you – that might also help someone else? Please share it with us all.

~Pam

The Brain Dump - Part 1



My WLS Journal

 Years ago I had a boss who used "The Brain Dump" on a regular basis.  And since I was his secretary - I was usually the note-taker and organizer of this dumping process. At the time I honestly hated his Brain Dumps and always cringed when he'd warn me one was coming. 

But now that I've developed my own version of The Brain Dump, I can more fully appreciate how helpful it was for him back then. Because I find it such a valuable tool for my WLS journey and other areas of my life, I'd like to share it with you.

So what is "The Brain Dump?"

The Brain Dump is a process where you allow all the cluttered thoughts in your brain to be written down on paper - to get it out of your head and in some type of tangible form that can later be tackled as a task list.

Why do we need a Brain Dump?

I'm a list person. I write everything on a list or add it to my Google Calendar. If it's not written down, I forget it. But that only applies to things that I know I have to accomplish right away - like this week's grocery shopping list or a reminder on my calendar to pick up the dry cleaning on Thursday. Stuff like that always gets put on the list. But it's all the other "stuff" that we'll discuss today.

A Brain Dump is for those jumbled thoughts that aren't really ready for a formal to-do list just yet but are getting too close to the surface of our mindfullness that they're causing problems with focusing on today's tasks. Or things that are so far buried in your consciousness that they just seem to live in a dark corner of your brain, but they need to be shaken free and released to give you some peace and also to give you a starting point for dealing with them.

A Brain Dump can be used in any number of ways:

• To make a goal list - or a bucket list - of things you want to accomplish.
• To make a task list of how you'll accomplish a specific goal.
• To purge jumbled emotional thoughts that are causing mental stress.
• To create a list of "the mental stuff" that might be holding you back - whether past abuses or emotional hurdles you never crossed or body dismorphic issues or obsessive/compulsive tendancies related to your morbid obesity and food relationship.
• To make a list of tasks that need to be done for a specific project or event (great for event planning or vacations).

Or you can combine all the above (and whatever else you can think of) into one huge Brain Dump list that has no specific theme or purpose... but is a jumbled mess of items that are cluttering your mind and need to be released. This is the most common type of Brain Dump and the one I like the best.

For instance:  in the past few months since I've recovered from my rebellious streak, I've been thinking about all the goals I want to accomplish and things I want to work on in the coming year for my overall health. I have ideas for what I want to do when I finish writing my book and what my next big project is going to be. And remember my Comprehensive Holistic Wellness Plan from the beginning of my WLS journey? I still have goals on that list that I want to continue working on. I've been struggling with a few unanswered questions about relationships in my life. I'm about to embark on a new job, a new schedule for my life, new semester at college with new things to learn and I'm always thinking about new topics for my WLS support group meetings. If I didn't release some of those pent-up thought soon, my head was going to explode! 

So this past weekend I had a major Brain Dump session that lasted about 3 hours and ended up giving me over 25 pages of bullet points that still need to be sorted out. But now my brain is clearer and I have much more peace in my life right now.  The Brain Dump process is essential to me.

I'll share with you the steps I take for a formal Brain Dump, then you can adapt the process to your own preferences.  After you do it a few times, you'll learn what works for you and what doesn't. But in the beginning, it's best to follow the basic outline I'll share with you and then you can adapt for your own needs.

For instance, even though I prefer to type my thoughts using a computer (I can type faster than I can write), I have found that I simply can't do a real Brain Dump at the keyboard. I must use paper and pen and I must be in a place where I'm not distracted by other people or activities. It took me several failed Brain Dumping sessions to realize that doing it on a computer was holding me back. So now I know that I almost must write it out long hand.

I have a notebook I created shortly after my surgery almost 3 years ago. It's the Journey to a Healthier Me notebook in the picture above (yes, that was me at My Beach this past weekend), and it's what I use for all my WLS-related musings and general emotional journaling. It's just a half-size 3-ring binder that I decorated to reflect the same theme I have elsewhere with my Journey to Health (recognize the pink flower? it's everywhere!).  In this notebook I have a section specifically for Brain Dumps.

Let's get started. Set aside a couple hours of clear, quiet time and settle down with your notebook and a good, comfortable pen. 

Here's how I do The Brain Dump:

1. There are no rules. Nothing is off limits. Write down anything that comes to mind without restrictions. No judgements or criticism. Write down everything that comes to mind even if it might be silly or stupid or unimportant or totally random -- during a Brain Dump, everything is essential, write it all down no matter what. i.e.: If you suddenly remember that you need to change the lightbulb in your closet in the middle of your Brain Dump list, write it down - because if you let it linger in your head it will just become a distraction, but writing it down removes it from your brain and lets you move on.
2. Only use bullet points. Do not use complete sentences or paragraphs. You should only use 2 or 3 words per bullet point. Write only enough words for you to remember the thought or idea you need to remember - nothing more. If you have a follow up thought, then make it a new bullet point.
3. One thought or task or idea per bullet point
4. Speed is essential. Write as fast as you can (but still able to read your handwriting) and get as many thoughts out as possible.
5. Do not organize your thoughts. Bullet points should flow one right after another in no specific order. If thoughts are coming to you in random order, then write them down in random order. Do not keep multiple lists for various thought processes. Just write everything down in one big long list down the page.
6. Write until your brain is clear and you can't think of anything else to write down. You should sit quietly for several minutes after you think you're done in case any additional thoughts come to mind. Do not rush this part... write for as long as it takes to clear your mind. Yes, it might take a couple hours.
7. Then close the notebook and walk away.
8. Do not open the notebook again for the rest of the day. Leave it alone. Put it in a drawer if you must. Don't you dare open that notebook.
9. If you happen to think of other things that need to go on the Brain Dump list you should write it on a different piece of paper and add it to your notebook later.
10. Set a date with yourself to review your list. It should be no less than 24 hours after the final bullet point was written. Preferrably you let it sit for several days.

After you finish the initial Brain Dumping process, something amazing happens.

You have peace. Suddenly your brain is not screaming at you with a million jumbled thoughts and ideas and goals and obligations. You've released all those thoughts and they are now down on paper - safely held within your notebook. You're not going to forget any of the things that used to clutter up your brain, they're all written down now. So take advantage of this peace you've given yourself. Be kind and pamper yourself with something nice (a bubble bath, a manicure, a new album by your favorite artist or do what I did and just sit and watch the sunset and enjoy the beauty of the day). Relax in the feeling of a clear mind.

Then the hard work starts. And I'll discuss that in The Brain Dump - Part 2.

~Pam

My Beach

I'm just heading home from my annual pilgrimage to the beach where I originally made the decision to change my life. I call it "My Beach" because when I'm there, I'm most often all alone and it gives me lots of quiet time to think and meditate.

Four years ago last month I decided to have weight loss surgery... To get healthy and to live a normal life. That decision was made after spending hours alone, sitting on the log you see in this photo.

Oh the changes I've seen in the past four years. I had no clue that my life would be so full and I'd be so much more happy.

As I do each year I spent time reflecting back on the past year and setting goals for the coming year. I'll share more later once I sort my thoughts out a bit more.

The sun is setting here and I'm enjoying the view for a while. I do love the beach, ya know. What could possibly be better?

Pam

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Expectations

This is a quote that my friend Nikki heard last week and passed it along to me .... it's one of those types of quotes that make you stop and contemplate it's meaning in your own life. Then later in the day she put forth a challenge to folks on ObestiyHelp to blog about their feelings of the quote. I'll link to the other blog posts below.

Unvoiced expectations are resentments in waiting.

What does this quote mean to me?

Before my surgery I made lots and lots of lists. Lists of expectations. Lists of pros & cons. Lists of questions that were yet unanswered. Lists of fears and worries and things that might keep me from having weight loss surgery. I also made some lists of things that surgery would change in my life -- how I ate, how I looked, how I felt, how healthy I would be. Lists of what I'd give up and what I'd gain. This was all part of my decision making process and were all done well before I even decided to go forward with having RNY. It was good therapy for me because it gave me the chance to examine what I was afraid of and what I was excited about.

Because I spent so much time examining my innermost thoughts and feelings about what to expect with WLS, I feel that I had a better handle on things. I saw my sister and mother go before me into this journey, so I knew the pitfalls and triumphs and all the hard work that was going to be necessary. So I feel that my expectations were fairly realistic.  I did a good job of actually expressing (voicing) my expectations before I took the leap.

Do I have resentment about those expectations?

Actually, yes. I do. And it's unfortunate that I'm letting "fairly realistic" expectations that were not met cause resentment to grow within me. ::: sigh :::

So here's the deal. Remember that group therapy session I went through this past winter? Well, one of the big things that came out of that was how much I'm letting resentment into my life.  It seems to be resentment over my inability to lose any additional weight... resentment toward my doctors for not being able to figure out why I can't lose weight .... resentment over various drains on my time and energy .... and sometimes resentment at having to live the WLS lifestyle when all I want is to be normal. (There's more, but that hits the highlights, I guess.)

But let's just focus on the weight loss expectation and resulting resentment.

One of the expectations I had before surgery that was not met -- but I felt was "fairly realistic" was my weight goal. I set my goal at "160-ish" which meant as soon as I hit 169, then I'd be at goal. (Just for reference sake, my ideal body weight and the number my surgeon's office uses for statistical purposes is 134.) My weight fluctuates between 189-194 and has been stable in that range for almost two years. My BMI is around 30-31 (obese) and I wear a size 16 pant and large or x-large tops and I've lost 65% of my excess body weight.

Was 169 really so far off from realistic?  It certainly wasn't an "unvoiced expectation" which is suppose to be what causes resentment -- if the quote is accurate.  So why am I so resentful of not being able to lose any additional weight? Maybe the resentment comes from the fact that my expectations were pretty down to earth and should have been within the realm of reality.  Afterall, the stats say I should lose 60-80% of my excess weight.... why do I have to live at the bottom of that range and not at least make it to the middle?

I'm working on the whole resentment thing. It's a slow process and I need to journal more and do some more brain dumping. It's hard work .... and maybe it's so hard and slow because a part of me doesn't want to give up the resentment entirely. Who knows. Most days I'm fine and perfectly happy with where I am in my life and don't even think about it. But the days when it creeps up on me... yeah, not so good.

And how do my ramblings relate back to the original quote?

Well, I guess my situation shows that even VOICED expectations can also lead to resentments. It doesn't have to always be unvoiced.

----------

Other bloggers talking about this quote:

Nikki
Cheryl
Sarah
Angie

The Rebellion is Over

In the past couple months I've talked about a Bout of Rebellion I've been struggling with. It took me a little while to get over my bad behavior -- had an update on my progress a month ago. I've worked hard to get myself back on track, but I feel like I'm finally in a good place right now.  Whew!  It feels good to be back!

Some key things I've done:

• I came across this old blog post - What it means to be on track - and it reminded me that I wasn't being kind to myself and I wasn't loving myself enough to make the right and healthy choices for my body. I needed to get that love back. 
• I made some adjustments to my vitamins.  Changed some chewables to swallowables. Changed some lower dose things to higher doses so I had fewer pills to swallow. Switched on tablet that was causing problems (didn't hold up in heat of summer) to a capsule instead.  And a couple other minor changes. So in the end my vitamins are "easier" to deal with and less daunting to take.  Still the same number of doses, just fewer pills and in better forms for me. 

• I bought a new little pill box. Nikki said this pill box revolutionized her life - so I had to try it! It's at GNC for 99-cents and it has 5 slots inside to keep our pills separated.  So I put my main pill dose in one slot, calcium in 3 of the slots and iron/Vitamin C in the other slot.  I don't know why, but it seems to make it so much easier to deal with the day's worth of pills with this thing. 
• I downloaded a new app for my phone called "Do it Again" -- you can set up alarms to go off based on a number of variables. I basically set it up so that when it was time to take a vitamin dose, the alarm wouldn't turn off until I physically turned it off.  Then the second level of this is that my alarm can be named whatever I want it to be.  So instead of it just saying, "take your vitamins" --- it says "no more screwing up!".  Tough love, huh?
• I cleaned the house of any trigger foods, junk food... or even healthy food that I was treating in an unhealthy way. 
• I got that cool new 64oz water bottle. That has made getting my fluids in much easier. 
• I am making a conscious effort to be more active. Some formal workouts but mostly just doing more in my life that requires me to move more.  Doing some major decluttering and furniture moving at the house ... walking in the sand on the beach enjoying the surf on my ankles instead of just sitting in my beach chair and watching the waves .... parking further away .... I know from my GoWear Fit wearing days that being active in life is just as beneficial as doing formal exercise. So that's my goal these days.

I've had folks ask me about the scale during this rebellion phase.  It's basically the same as it's always been. I gained a few pounds while on vacation a couple weeks ago --- but is now gone and was probably just excess water weight from the over-abundance of simple carbs during that week.  The scale doesn't move for me.  Up or down or sideways.  It's actually quite annoying because bad behavior isn't punished with gained pounds, but neither is good behavior rewarded with lost pounds.  Instead I need to focus on my overall good health and made decisions for feeling the best I can and not on what the scale tells me.  

But right now I'm in a good place.  I feel healthy again and I feel like I'm doing all the right things for my body. It feels good to be back on track. 

Thank you for hanging in there with me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm letting you, my readers, down when I screw up like I have been  lately.  But the outpouring of love and support have helped me kick my butt back in line.  You guys are awesome!

~Pam

Scale Obsession

How many times a day do you weigh yourself?  Once? Twice? Five times?  Are you obessed with what the scale tells you?  Do you base your mood and self worth on the number on the scale? 

Today there is a discussion on ObesityHelp.com about letting the scale dictate one's mood for the day.  The original poster is in tears this morning because of the number the scale gave her today. She knows that she's letting the scale have power in her life that it doesn't deserve and knows it's an unhealthy obsession... but she can't seem to stop herself from feeling bad about that stupid number.

My dear friend Nikki gave a bit of advice that I feel is worth repeating.

Right now you are letting the scale tell your story. Maybe not in how you act but in how you feel. And that’s just not accurate nor is it healthy. So stop doing it! Doing things intentionally to make us feel bad is a part of our old thinking. Our new thinking, that we are working toward, should be something more like “I do what I need to do to be health and when I am healthy I am better at being happy.” See the distinction?

And for those die-hard scale huggers out there, I am not saying weighing every day, in and of itself, is evil. If you can weigh every day and not let it affect your sense of self worth or progress, fine. Go for it. But the scale becomes unhealthy when, in our minds, it becomes the sole determinant of our success.

Thank you Nik for your words of wisdom.

~Pam

Life is good

A beautiful evening
A comfy chair
Birds chirping
Peace and quiet
Absolutley nothing to do but relax.
Yes, life is good.

-- Sent from my Palm Pre

Anger is my Trigger

When it comes to emotional eating, anger is my biggest trigger. The other emotions don't really cause me to turn to food -- sadness, happiness, stress, etc. -- I've been able to concur all those situations when it comes to mindless or uncontrolled eating. But anger is a different story.  I get the whole "F-It" attitude and don't care if I'm eating out of emotion or not.

I'm working on ways to combat the anger-eating situations. One of the keys would be to not be around food when I know I'm anger. My house is pretty safe so if I turn to food in anger when I'm at home I'll be faced with a bunch of healthy food choices. But if I'm "out and about" somewhere it's not as easy to control. Hitting a convenience store or grocery store is too easy if I'm already out there.

Thankfully I'm a pretty laid back person and it take a LOT to set me off. So this isn't an issue I need to deal with very often.  But today after work I had some major anger going on. I was seething and nobody to vent to. A little while into my drive home, thankfully, my mother called and she got an earful.

But I was still upset when I had to stop at Walmart for a few things. UhOh! Danger Zone! Last time I went to Walmart when I was angry I came home with a package of Oreos and a bag of Doritos. Yeah. Bad news, right? But even though I was still angry, the conversation with my mom had taken me down a notch.  I went into the store, did my shopping and checked out without buying anything bad. I came home and made a nice salad with chicken for dinner and didn't eat anything bad or out of emotion. Finally! There's a first for everything, right? So glad I held on to the control tonight.

I'm still dealing with some anger (it'll take a while for that to go away, I think) -- but I've also got a sense of satisfaction going on for resisting the urge to feed the anger with food.

~Pam

Doodling Lately

I've started a new Moleskine journal -- the large sketch journal with thick pages and a hard cover. I've been reading up on Doodle Therapy lately and I'm trying a new experiment in this Moleskine.

For those who haven't kept up on reading my {Create} blog (which is in desperate need of updating) -- I've recently discovered a passion for a type of doodling called Zendoodle or Zentangle. I even taught a class teaching how to fill a doodle book with your own creations. It is a great way to relax my mind, push away and stresses of the day and just be at peace with pen and paper for a little while.  It's quite meditative and peaceful.

Zentangle is used in many medical settings to help treat patients for all manner of issues - from anxiety to fear of flying.  Here's an amazing list. There's also something called Sacred Doodles - a movement started by a woman who used doodling as therapy for emotional stability during cancer treatments.

The great thing about drawing these doodles is that you don't have to start from scratch. There is plenty of inspiration out there on the internet to keep your creative juices flowing. Just copy small bits of patterns that other people have created already - and eventually you'll be able to make up your own doodles and patterns as you get more comfortable. Flickr has a great selection of art from others.

I'm taking a bit of a different approach with this new Moleskine though.  I'm deliberately leaving space to journal around and among the doodles as I'm creating the pages. And that journaling is focusing on areas of my life that I want to explore a bit more, or areas I want to improve in some way.  The journaling is minimal - not long pages of text necessarily - but the little bits of text help me to focus my mind on that single thought without allowing other thoughts to cause distraction. The doodling helps to keep my mind from wandering or obsessing about stress or tasks to do or obligations - it forces me to be in the moment with my art.

I'm having fun.  :-)

~Pam

I Met Ron from Biggest Loser Today!

Our Workplace Wellness Program hosted a lecture by Ron Morelli from last season of The Biggest Loser - Season 7. Then after he spoke, I took a couple minutes of his time to chat and get a picture.  I wrote four pages of notes during his talk and wanted to share a few of the important points he made.

My employer is outstanding.  We've got this great Wellness Program that encourages the 4,000-or-so employees on the job, plus retirees and all our families to be healthier and take care of our overall wellness.  One of the programs they offer is the "Lunch-n-Learn" lecture series (which is what today's lecture was). These lectures are held monthly and include topics on a wide variety of topics - next month is about laughter, for instance.  I've also joined the competitive pedometer walking program that begins in a couple weeks - that should be fun!

So anyway... back to Ron...

This is going to be a long post, so I'm going to try and break it up as best I can.  Somehow try to organize my thoughts and do my best not to ramble. Wish me luck!  LOL  I know we, as WLS'ers, are most interested in hearing about Ron's gastric bypass surgery - but honestly he didn't talk about it much.  He did, however, have some very profound things to say about eating, exercise and getting your head screwed on straight.

UPDATES -- First a few updates that I'm sure others are wondering about. Since the show Ron has maintained his weight loss and hovers around 250 pounds (his highest weight ever was 527lbs).  His son Michael, also on the show, has maintained his weight loss as well and is currently attending college at Michigan State University.  His other son, Max, who we saw on the show during family visits, is doing well with his weight loss efforts and has lost over 100 pounds already.

DIETING HISTORY (and RNY) -- He's been obese his whole life.  He weighed 200 pounds at age 9 and was up to 400 in high school.  So he's well versed in dieting. He's done every diet you can think of, had his jaw wired shut, starved himself, did Weight Watchers and Atkins and even spent time at a weight loss hospital a couple times.  Then 14 years ago he had gastric bypass surgery.  He lose a lot of weight very quickly, as expected. But gained much of it back because he had not permanently changed his habits for the way he ate and the way he moved. He didn't gain ALL his weight back though.  Remember, his highest weight was 527 before surgery - which was 13 years before he went on The Biggest Loser where he started out weighing 420 pounds. So yes, there was regain, but not 100% regain as you hear so often rumored around the message boards. Think about it.  He maintained almost a 100lbs loss for 13 years -- as an average, of course, since he freely admits his weight fluctuated widely during that time period.

POUCH SIZE & STOMA -- His stomach pouch is still the "right" size - still pouch-sized.  So we know that a mature RNY pouch is around 6oz to 9oz in size and can hold about 8-12oz of food, so we can assume this is the size of his pouch now, 14 years later.  However, he said that his stoma has stretched (the opening between the pouch and intestines)  - in essence allowing a portion of his small intestine to "act" like a stomach pouch.  I didn't ask - and he didn't go into detail since this wasn't a WLS presentation and I think I was the only other WLS'er in the room - but I don't know if the stoma was fixed or revised at anytime or if he just adapts to that issue with how he eats now.

BEHIND THE SCENES ON THE SHOW -- So before contestants even begin doing the show, they see the doctor, right?  We know that part already.  But what was interesting to me is that the doctor is the one who sets the calorie intake limits for each contestant - not the trainers.   The doctor alters that calorie limit as they lose weight, as needed.  Ron was assigned 2025 calories/day.  His son Michael ate 1850 calories/day. These numbers were based on their RMR (resting metabolic rate) and an estimate of what they would burn in the gym everyday as well as the show's goal for their weekly/daily weight loss numbers. Once their daily calorie intake limits were set, the trainers (Bob and Jillian) set the nutrition balance for those calories based on the expected workout loads. The cool thing about their calorie intake goals is that each contestant decided on their OWN menu - they would make a shopping list and someone would buy their food for them (they apparently didn't have time to go grocery shopping since they were working out or whatever).  Then at meal times, they would cook their own stuff.  Michael would have oatmeal for breakfast and Ron would have eggs, or instance. No personal chefs on the ranch.  I'll cover some food and nutrition stuff later.

BOB & JILLIAN -- Bob is a vegan - not just vegetarian, but full blown vegan.  Did you know that?  I didn't. Ron laughed while telling about how often Bob eats.  "He keeps fruit in his pockets, gym bag, jacket, everywhere - he needs to eat every couple hours."  (I can see why he likes Yoga so much now.)  Jillian eats more variety, but she's all about organic and whole foods.  As for what kind of trainers they are?  Bob's tougher than Jillian.  And all that yelling Jillian does - apparently not a reflection of her personality.  "She's sweet and shy and very quiet. And she's short but solid and is a double black belt in every martial art you can think of."

BODYBUGG & GO WEAR FIT -- Someone today asked about the BodyBugg each contestant wears (similar to my GoWearFit / BodyMedia device) -- Ron loves it and will be renewing his subscription so he can continue to wear it.  Ron would burn about 6,000 calories a day and Michael would burn about 10,500 calories/day. Holy Cow!  Now, off the ranch, Ron maintains a calorie deficit of about 500 calories (rather than 4,000 like when on the show). Ron's quote about the device: "It is an invaluable tool for weight loss and can be very useful for everyone."

FINDING "IT" -- As an expert dieter who has tried them all - I believe him when he said: "Any diet or surgery or jaw wiring trick will work."  But the problem we haven't learned anything from it.  If you get your jaw wired shut, don't eat for 2 months and when the wires come off you go back to eating like you used to - you didn't learn anything.  Whatever method you use to lose weight you have to CHANGE the way you eat forever, CHANGE the way you move forever, CHANGE the way your maintain your habits forever. Those changes, those habits, those realizations that you've been doing it wrong up until now -- those he refers to as "IT".  When IT finally settles in your head and becomes part of your being, the weight will stay off.  If you don't have IT, the weight will return.

THE PAC-MAN EFFECT -- We've heard this before, but I liked the name he gave it. (Actually he'd heard it  from a doctor at an in-patient weight loss hospital he'd been in years ago.)  The fat cells we have when we're about 21 years old are the fat cells we'll always have.  We don't grow more, we don't lose them as we lose weight - fat cells will always be there in our bodies, they expand with more fat or they shrink when we lose fat. But those fat cells are like the little PacMan guy in the video game... always chomping his mouth open and closed looking too be fed.  Fat cells, when they get too skinny, will send signals to our brain demanding more food. Ron's comment was that the wished he'd never been told that because he used it as an excuse to eat more after losing weight ("I need to eat, my fat cells are too skinny.").  But personally, I like knowing this information because it makes me aware that after I lose weight and my fat cells are screaming for food -- that I can safely ignore those screams.  I can be secure in the knowledge that the screams for food I'm hearing is my fat cells bitching and moaning that they want fat.  But you know what?  I worked too freaking hard to make them skinny to just feed them more food, so I'm going to ignore them and be happy about letting them starve!

IT'S HARD -- "All those diets of my past were my attempt at finding the easy way to lose weight." Even if they were hard to do at the time, he was looking for "easy" but never found it.  Losing weight is HARD.  It's a STRUGGLE.  There is no easy way.  It's all hard and you have to work to get what you strive for.  Ron admits: "I hate working out. I hate exercise. It's hard.  But I do it everyday anyway."  The sooner we realize this is hard, the faster we'll learn to face the challenges and plow through it.

FACING FEAR -- "When you've always been fat, the fear of being thin is enormous."

After he said that, I wish I'd had a moment of silence to just take it in. But he kept talking and I kept scribbling notes.  When we're heavy we blame everything that's wrong in our lives on the fat. I can't play tennis because I'm fat.  I can't find a soul mate because I'm fat. I can't keep friends because I'm fat. I can't find a job because I'm fat. So what happens when you're suddenly not fat any longer and all those things are still wrong?  Fat can't fix everything. When you're thin you're still going to suck at tennis. So instead of blaming fat for all the things wrong in your life, you need to realize that you are letting FEAR hold you back from being thin -- because somewhere in our subconscious, we realize that it's not the fat that makes all those things bad in our lives, it's just us.  So when we realize we can't blame the fat anymore, and start fixing the things we want to fix - independent of the fat issue - then we'll finally be allowed to let thin be what it really is.  Just thin.

EXCUSES -- "So what?"  That's the response you need to have when you hear excuses. Ron admits that all his life he was the king of excuses... but at some point you need to change your mindset about excuses and start facing them with "so what!".  My knees hurt so I can't exercise. So what! Exercise anyway.  I'm too tired to cook a healthy dinner.  So what! Cook healthy anyway. It's raining out, I can't do my run today. So what. Run anyway. Don't let excuses stand in the way of your goals.

FOOD & NUTRITION -- On the Biggest Loser ranch all processed food was banned. Well, unless you were a sponsor of the show and had contestants eating your processed food on camera (think Subway) ... but as soon as the camera were turned off, the trainers would yell: "Ok, spit it out!" Yeah... no processed foods allowed, which includes processed deli meats. Remember, Bob's a vegan (and received a jovial phone call from Ron when the "double meat" ads ran) and Jillian eats organic whole foods.  So that's what the contestants eat too.  They focus their meals on nutrient dense foods rather than calorie dense (for instance a salad gives you a large volume of food, but very few calories).  They also focused on whole foods that were lean and healthy. They learned how to eat properly through regular training in the kitchen (it wasn't clear if Bob and Jillian were the only ones doing these trainings or if there were others in the kitchen teaching about how to cook).  Contestants at 3 meals and 2 snacks per day - every 4 hours.  So their daily calorie intake was divided accordingly --- so 2000 calories divided by 4 is 500 which meant 3 meals were 500 calories each and the 2 snacks each got 250 calories. Along with their normal calorie intake they were also drinking 5 quarts of water each day and eliminated all added salt from their diet. Ron also mentioned that to boost flavor on lean meats and fish, they used a lot of Mrs. Dash and other herbs and spices as long as they had no added salt.

THE WORKOUTS -- There were "taping days" and "dark days" on the show.  On taping days we see the teams working together with the trainer in the gym, many times all doing the same workout routine and all being coached (and screamed at) step by step by Bob or Jillian.  That was not the norm.  Most days were "dark days" - meaning the cameras were not on in the gym and the contestants were just there doing their own thing. They could wear whatever workout clothes they wanted to on dark days and they chose to do the exercises they enjoyed the best (or worked best for their own personal goals).  So Ron walked and swam a lot... Michael loved boxing.

WEAKNESSES -- Since we're talking about food, I thought this was worth sharing.  We all have certain food weaknesses, right?  For me it's fresh deli salsa -- not the salsa specifically but the fact that when I buy salsa, tortilla chips mysteriously appear in my shopping cart and I have no control over their appearance. So I don't buy fresh deli salsa - ever.  For Ron, it's peanut butter.  It's simply not allowed in his house.  He used to love peanut butter by the spoonful dipped in whipped cream.  He said it calls to him if it's in the house: "Ron, I'm over here!"  So we need to recognize if we have trigger foods like that and simply eliminate them from our lives.  If you don't have control, then don't put yourself in the position of battling that trigger.

IF YOU EVER GET THE CHANCE -- Ron told us that if we ever get the chance to go grocery shopping with a nutritionist, do it!  He learned so much about understanding food from his shopping trip while on the store (I didn't watch that whole season, so must have missed that episode).  One big thing he learned is that the nutrition label doesn't tell the whole story -- the ingredient list is just as important as the nutrition label.  For instance, a diet soda might have zeros all down the nutrition label... 0 calories, 0 fat, 0 carbs, etc ... but what are those 30 ingredients doing in the ingredient list?  The body knows it's getting those ingredients and depending on what those ingredients are, might freak out and do crazy stuff that scientists haven't figure out yet. So keep the ingredient list in mind when shopping.  Fewer ingredients is better.

JILLIAN'S FOOD ADVICE -- He said this one a couple times, so I'll repeat it.  Jillian says:  "If it doesn't come off a tree or out of the ground... or if it didn't have a mother - don't eat it."

HANDLING HOLIDAYS -- How many holiday or special occasion meals are there in a year?  (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Birthday, weddings, etc.) Maybe 15?  How many meals are there that are just normal everyday meals? If we eat 3 meals a day and subtract the 15 special meals in a year -- that means we eat 1050 other meals in a year.  15 special days. 350 normal days.  We didn't get morbidly obese from 15 meals a year when we indulge in a special holiday meal.  We grew our way to morbid obesity from the 1050 meals where we didn't make healthy choices and eat only until we were satisfied. So now... if we handle the 1050 normal meals in a healthy way, we don't have to worry about the 15 special meals.  When Easter dinner comes around next weekend, go ahead and eat. But Easter dinner is just dinner.  That doesn't mean Easter breakfast and lunch and snacks and snitches, it means just dinner. And when Monday morning arrives we're not still indulging in Easter dinner, we're back to a normal Monday morning breakfast.

AFTERWARDS -- After his hour-long lecture I made my way to the front of the room for a little chat. I wanted to THANK him for being brave enough to go on The Biggest Loser after having gastric bypass surgery.  Facing regain after WLS is hard and I appreciate his willingness to be open about his past. I also told him I'd had surgery - he smiled and asked how I was doing.  I also asked him if he knew about ObesityHelp.com - he didn't - but I told him that he had his own cheering section on the forums and we talked about his success after each week's show.  I showed him my before-and-after picture (at the bottom of this page) which I keep on my phone as a handy reminder and he congratulated me on my success.  Then I had a gal nearby snap a photo on my camera phone.  He was genuine and patient with all us lookie-loos who needed to have a moment of his time.  A very nice man, for sure.

MY NEW OPINION -- Remember last August when I did a race where Helen and Shannon were participants? (Helen was winner of Season 7.) After chatting with Helen for a few minutes after the race I had a pretty big turn around on my opinion of The Biggest Loser. I used to like the show. But...  The "advice" she gave to me in those few minutes of talking - and the advice I heard her giving to others who were nearby - was not very good advice. In fact, it was pretty dangerous advice for those who want to lose weight in a healthy and safe way. From that point forward I decided to not watch the show and to not promote it as a good weight loss inspiration source.  I still question the tactics of the show -- extreme workouts without enough nutrition to back it up -- but after listening to Ron today, my opinion has changed a bit.  The level of nutritional knowledge Ron had before the show compared to after was significant and when he talks about what the most important part of the show was, he talks about that education in the kitchen. After hearing Ron and his passion for the changes he's made in his life... and finding "IT" ... maybe I don't hate The Biggest Loser as much as I have for the past several months.

~Pam

The Core of your Being

Who are you?  Who are you at the core of your being?  What does that person look like in the mirror - not the physical mirror, but the mirror of your soul.  Do you know?  Have you looked closely enough to recognize your true self and fully understand who you are?

Once we know who we are at the core of our being --- then it will become clear who we are NOT.  What characteristics do not define you and need to be eliminated?  What traits do not coincide with your core identity and need to be changed?  What steps must I take to allow my true self identity to be released and able to shine through?  What specifically will I work on TODAY that gets me closer to my ultimate goal of understanding who I am at the core of my being?

Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between WHO I am and WHAT I am.  I am not my job. I am not my family (sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, neice).  I am not the roles I play (support group leader, source of information on WLS, student, teacher).  All those things say what I do but do not define who I am. Maybe making a list of what I am and what roles I play will help me better identify what things should not go on my list for self identity.
These are the questions I'm working through right now.  It is something we've discussed in past sessions of Graduate School therapy and dug into more detail last night during the session.

Once we understand fully who we are and what our core identity is, we are better able to face the daily struggles and stresses of life.  It will also help us get to the root cause of our morbid obesity (and avoid letting ourselves return to obesity), understand our disfunctional relationships with food and how to fix that disfunction and also give us the tools we need to battle emotional upheaval in our lives when we're faced with it (at least that's what Dr. W. tells us). 

I'm putting this out here today to not only give you a peek into what we're dealing with in this therapy session and what's happening inside my head these days.  But I'm also sharing this jumble of questions in case you want to work on this project too.  It's going to take time and patience with myself, I know.  But if I attack it in a methodical way, it's like "eating an elephant" - one bite at a time.

~Pam

Techniques to Manage Emotional Eating

Emotional eating -- it's a battle we'll fight every day for the rest of our lives. Weight loss surgery doesn't fix it, losing weight doesn't fix it - it's a habit we have to sort out on a mental and emotional level. So learning techniques to combat emotional eating is the key to being successful with long term weight loss. Here are some things my psych has taught us in support groups and group therapy sessions that might help:

• Know that it's OK to have emotions. The sooner we realize that emotions are perfectly natural and a part of who we are, the better. When we have an emotion we don't like or enjoy, we don't need to bury it, or squash it, or try to get rid of it -- that's what we've been trying to do when we eat to sooth our emotions. Instead try this: Sit quietly for a moment and acknowledge your emotions. If you're angry, then be angry. If you're sad, then be sad. If you're happy, then be happy. You don't need food to acknowledge those emotions, you just need to recognize the feeling, accept it and move on with your day. It takes practice and it's not fun or easy sometimes ... afterall, this technique means we actually have to face the crap we've been running from all these years. 
• Say out loud "I'm not hungry, I'm emotional." Thinking it to yourself doesn't work... you have to say it out loud, hear it spoken and acknowledge that the action you're about to take is emotional-based and not hunger-based.
• Know your emotional triggers. (upset, sad, happy, stress) and which trigger is the most prone to get out of control the fastest. And also think about which emotion has the least affect on your eating. For me I'm most prone to emotionally eat when I'm angry and least likely to eat when I'm stressed. Write it down.  Make a list and take the time to explore the reasons behind why certain emotions make you eat but others don't.  This is a process, so don't rush it.  Work in small chunks and keep coming back to this list to continue exploring your emotions on paper.  Thinking about it is fine, but writing it down makes those thoughts real so it's important to literally use pen and paper in this exercise.
• Make of list of your trigger foods -- what do you turn to when you are emotionally eating? (ie: sweets, salty snacks, alcohol over-doing healthy foods?)  You might think you already know this stuff... but making a conscious effort to think about each thing, write it down and have a list can help you recognize it when it's happening. For instance one emotion might trigger certain types of food but a different emotion might make you reach for a different type of food.  But exploring the details of it is important so you know what battles you have to fight when the emtion creeps up.  So when the next emotional instance comes up you'll be able to more readily recognize what's happening before it happens and you can put a stop to it. 
• Find an alternative activity. If you eat when you're bored, find a hobby that occupies your hands (knitting, scrapbooking, gardening). If you eat when you're happy, figure out how to release that joyous energy in a positive way (turn the radio up loud and dance around the house with the kids). If you eat when you're angry, find a way to get the aggression out (kickboxing, weight lifting, scrubbing toilets). Make sure you have that list of things written down too. So when you're in the midst of an emotional rant you don't have to be responsible for thinking clearly to find something to release the emotions... just refer to the list and pick something. 
• As GI Joe says... KNOWING is half the battle. As you work through this process there will be times when you know you're eating for emotional reasons rather than hunger.  And we all know that many times emotions are much more powerful than our logical brain - so sometimes we win against the emotions and sometimes the emotions win.  But knowing that you're in the midst of an emotional eating binge is an important step.  Remember back when you didn't think twice about eating for whatever reason you felt like eating?  But now you're more aware of your body and you're more aware of how your emotions can trigger food obsessions.  This is a huge leap from where you started.  So think of it as one more baby step in the right direction.  Over time, we'll grow stronger and more able to deal with these decisions of handling our emotions in a healthier way.
• Mistakes happen. No matter how hard we try emotional eating is going to happen. When it does, don't let guilt plague you and make it even worse. We're not allowed to indulge in guilt-eating to make up for the emotional-eating! Instead, acknowledge that you made a mistake, forgive yourself and move on. Don't dwell on it. Just make the very next step, the very next meal or snack... the right choice.  

What NOT to do to control emotional eating.  So often I hear people give advice to just replace the "bad food" with a healthier choice.  So instead of having a slab of chocolate cake when you're feeling sad, have a salad instaed.  The problem with this advice is that it doesn't really address the emotions involved.  You're still buring your saddness in food, just that it's a salad instead of cake.  The cycle continues.  And eventually you'll turn back to the cake because let's face it, salad is not very comforting in times of sorrow.  So it's important to address the EMOTIONS involved and how we manage our emotionis -- once we are able to live with the emotion and stop trying to bury it or hide it, our behaviors will reflect this healthier mental state.

~Pam