Reporting In

It's been one week since I confessed my bad behavior of not faithfully taking my vitamins. It's actually been two weeks since I've gotten myself back on track though (Vocabulary Lesson was the start of my recommitment). I'm just reporting in so that I'm accountable to you, my readers, as well as to myself.

Since December 7th I have taken nearly all of my vitamin and calcium doses. There was a couple days when I was short one of my calcium doses, but otherwise I've been on track with my vitamin routine each day. It's still a struggle and I still have to give myself a stern talking to sometimes - but it's becoming easier each day. I believe it will take another couple weeks of sticking to the routine before I feel fully comfortable in saying that I'm 100% back on track.

I'm actively using the alarm system from My Med Schedule and I'm getting text messages sent to my phone at my scheduled times throughout the day. It helps to remind me of my commitment.

What else do I need to do better on?

• Getting that final 20oz bottle of water into the end of my day (just grabbed a glass of water)
• Getting to bed earlier (said as I write this post at 11:35 p.m.)
• Eat more vegetables (do dill pickles count?)

Thanks for your support!

Pam

Bad Behavior Equals Consequences

Remember the vocabulary lesson from last week? Let me explain what that was all about.

Those who have read my blog for a long time know that I don't mince words and I don't gloss over the hard parts. I tell it like it is. My behavior - both good and bad - are laid out open for all to see. It's a decision I made a long time ago and one I am glad I've stuck with all these years. So today I'm going to tell you about my bad behavior and the price I'm paying because of it.

For the past several months I have not been faithfully taking my vitamins like I should be.

I'd estimate that I would get about 40-50% of my daily doses most days. I've gotten lax and letting a bit of rebellion and laziness take over even though I know better. There are times when I'm 100% faithful to my vitamins but then there are times when I just "don't wanna play" and don't. (Those who are further out might understand that mentality about being tired of "playing house in the WLS world" - newbies have a hard time comprehending it.) So I'm here to confess my bad behavior and openly commit to doing better. I'm not here to make excuses. There are plenty of reasons but I won't bother wasting your (or my) time listing them. I signed up for this, I need to play by the rules whether I feel like it or not.

So what's my punishment?

I got my lab results back from my 3-year follow up appointments and there are several readings that I'm very disappointed in and worried about. So far nothing is out of range or officially deficient... but I'm so close they might as well be. Here are some major concerns:

Vitamin D -- 34
Ideally we want our lab results to be 80-100 to see optimal health benefits (reduced risk of certain cancers, etc.) Anything that's 30 or lower is a deficiency. A year ago my reading was 58, I increased my dose to raise that number and had a re-test and was able to get my results up to 82 and wanted to maintain that excellent reading. So in 6 months I've dropped nearly 50 points on my lab results because I haven't faithfully taken my vitamin doses.

PTH (parathyroid) - 49

This is one I'm worried about. A high reading is very bad because it means my body is pulling calcium from my bones to provide the calcium my body needs to maintain blood calcium levels. Last year, at the time of my diagnosis with osteopenia, my PTH was 24 - an excellent number. Now it's 49 and my Vitamin D has tanked at the same time.... so bad news for my bones! DEXA scan is scheduled.

Vitamin B12 -- 680
Ideally we want our lab results to be 1000-1500 and anything below 500 and we could start to see signs of deficiency such as fatigue or nerve damage (below 400 and things get very serious). Even though the lab result range says 211-900, these ranges are currently in question and being re-reviewed. A year ago my lab results were 1087.

Vitamin B1 - 11
My levels have dropped from 21 (top of the range) to 11 (low end of the range). Gee, ya think maybe I should be taking my B-complex a bit more often, huh?

Ferritin - 11
My levels have steadily dropped from the first round of labs but none of my doctors seem to be worried about it. I'm worried though. The level of deficiency is a result of 10 and I'm only 1 point above deficient. Being more faithful with iron doses is key.

Everything else came back alright. I've requested a re-draw of lab tests in 6 months. I've confessed all to my doctor and I've beaten myself up about it until my butt is black and blue. I could have just kept this information to myself and fixed my behavior. I'm sure I'll have some readers who will think poorly of me for preaching one thing and doing something else. I'm sorry for that.

I'm telling you this because I want to reiterate the fact that this journey is hard. It's freaking hard! Some days it's harder than others. If you had asked me months ago if I'd be writing a post like this I would have laughed in your face -- I know why vitamins are so essential, why would I ever jeopardize my own health? But bad behavior seems to find a way to justify itself, doesn't it?

Accountability is essential too, so this is my way of being accountable to myself, to you and to anyone who might come after. Today I'm on track with my vitamins even through I'm running about 2 hours behind schedule I'll be able to finish on track. Yesterday was a bit tougher and ended up missing one dose of calcium. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll do my best.

Thanks for listening.
~Pam

The Rebellion is Over

In the past couple months I've talked about a Bout of Rebellion I've been struggling with. It took me a little while to get over my bad behavior -- had an update on my progress a month ago. I've worked hard to get myself back on track, but I feel like I'm finally in a good place right now.  Whew!  It feels good to be back!

Some key things I've done:

• I came across this old blog post - What it means to be on track - and it reminded me that I wasn't being kind to myself and I wasn't loving myself enough to make the right and healthy choices for my body. I needed to get that love back. 
• I made some adjustments to my vitamins.  Changed some chewables to swallowables. Changed some lower dose things to higher doses so I had fewer pills to swallow. Switched on tablet that was causing problems (didn't hold up in heat of summer) to a capsule instead.  And a couple other minor changes. So in the end my vitamins are "easier" to deal with and less daunting to take.  Still the same number of doses, just fewer pills and in better forms for me. 

• I bought a new little pill box. Nikki said this pill box revolutionized her life - so I had to try it! It's at GNC for 99-cents and it has 5 slots inside to keep our pills separated.  So I put my main pill dose in one slot, calcium in 3 of the slots and iron/Vitamin C in the other slot.  I don't know why, but it seems to make it so much easier to deal with the day's worth of pills with this thing. 
• I downloaded a new app for my phone called "Do it Again" -- you can set up alarms to go off based on a number of variables. I basically set it up so that when it was time to take a vitamin dose, the alarm wouldn't turn off until I physically turned it off.  Then the second level of this is that my alarm can be named whatever I want it to be.  So instead of it just saying, "take your vitamins" --- it says "no more screwing up!".  Tough love, huh?
• I cleaned the house of any trigger foods, junk food... or even healthy food that I was treating in an unhealthy way. 
• I got that cool new 64oz water bottle. That has made getting my fluids in much easier. 
• I am making a conscious effort to be more active. Some formal workouts but mostly just doing more in my life that requires me to move more.  Doing some major decluttering and furniture moving at the house ... walking in the sand on the beach enjoying the surf on my ankles instead of just sitting in my beach chair and watching the waves .... parking further away .... I know from my GoWear Fit wearing days that being active in life is just as beneficial as doing formal exercise. So that's my goal these days.

I've had folks ask me about the scale during this rebellion phase.  It's basically the same as it's always been. I gained a few pounds while on vacation a couple weeks ago --- but is now gone and was probably just excess water weight from the over-abundance of simple carbs during that week.  The scale doesn't move for me.  Up or down or sideways.  It's actually quite annoying because bad behavior isn't punished with gained pounds, but neither is good behavior rewarded with lost pounds.  Instead I need to focus on my overall good health and made decisions for feeling the best I can and not on what the scale tells me.  

But right now I'm in a good place.  I feel healthy again and I feel like I'm doing all the right things for my body. It feels good to be back on track. 

Thank you for hanging in there with me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm letting you, my readers, down when I screw up like I have been  lately.  But the outpouring of love and support have helped me kick my butt back in line.  You guys are awesome!

~Pam

Update on Rebellion

Remember my post last week about my rebellion? Thought I'd update you on how things are progressing with me.

Since that day I've taken every single dose of my vitamins.  I am still having issues with gagging on some of them -- which is something I've struggled with for years (even before surgery), I seem to gag on tiny pills but have no problem at all on big horsepills. But I've suffered through it this week and just taken my vitamins like a good girl.

Since last week I've done much better with my water intake too.  I got a new water bottle from a friend and it's helped a lot (I'll post about it later, it's the coolest thing!). 

My eating has been sporadic. It's hot here in Michigan and when it's hot I don't want to cook or put too much effort into preparing meals. So I've gone for easy stuff like meat, cheese and fruit for dinners. Or popsicles instead of dinner cuz it's so dang hot! Or neglecting to eat all together because I'm too busy or involved in other projects (like painting).  Still reaching for crap too often, but at least I'm focusing more on not-eating-crap and trying to focus eating-good-stuff instead.

EDITED TO ADD MEALS:  Eating today went well. Here's the run down:

Commute -- protein iced coffee (decaf)
Arrive at work -- regular coffee
Breakfast -- carbmaster yogurt with fresh blackberries
Lunch -- salad with grilled chicken and Quaker Cafe Square for dessert (OMG!)
Snack - grapes and cheese
Dinner (on the way to and during photog club meeting) -- handful of trail mix then protein ice coffee
LNS -- sugar free angel food cake with strawberries

Exercise is still not happening regularly. Although painting the house this weekend definitely got me sweating my butt off and we know that housework is just as effective as formal workouts.  So for now "being active" is my goal.

So there's where I am for now. My head is still not 100% in the game and I'm rebelling against the reform still. But I'm determined to behave myself and do the healthy and right thing.

~Pam

Rebellion

Hi, my name is Pam and I'm a rebel. It's a personality trait in me that I don't really like very much.  Well... I do kind of like it in some areas of my life, but when it comes to WLS and following rules, being a rebel is a very bad thing. 

Right now I'm going through another bout of rebellion.  (My last big one was a year ago.) I say that I'm in the midst of it because right now I don't really feel like stopping my bad behavior even though I know I need to. So I'm putting it here - out to the world and outloud for myself - in the hopes I can kick my own butt on the matter.

I'm not taking my vitamins like I should.  I take some doses, but not all.  (My dropping Vitamin D level seems to be payment for my stubbornness.) I'm not drinking enough water - although I've done better in the past couple days, but 2 days doesn't fix things, does it?  I'm eating too much crap and not even bothering to try and justify it. I continue to get all my protein in, but I'm being lazy about cooking and just doing protein coffees more often than not.  I'm not exercising regularly... in fact, we could call it a rare occurrance when formal exercise enters my day.

See... full out rebellion.  And I'm starting to piss myself off about it. 

So there you go. There's my dirty laundry laid out on the curb for all to see and ponder. I'm not proud about it so don't get the impression that I'm bragging.  But I've committed to being honest here on my blog and share the good with the bad.  So here it is... the big bad ugly truth about my stupidity.  I'm disgusted with myself but apparently not enough to make the changes just yet.  Maybe saying it out loud will make me want to behave.  We'll see.

~Pam

OK Fine. Lesson Learned

My class load this semester was at full-time level - 12 credit hours.  Add an intense weekly group therapy session and emotional stress brought on by my battle with the scale plus the physical affects of the Adipex. Plus still leading the support group and doing my normal work schedule.  I remember saying to someone before this semester even started, "It's just 10 weeks. You can do anything for 10 weeks, right?"  Wrong!  All that craziness adds up to a very tired Pam.

But unfortunately, it's not just "tired" anymore ... it's turned into "sick" now. 

Last week I was battling a major headache that had me down for a couple days.  I still wasn't focusing well over the weekend and then Monday I got up with a sore throat and what feels like the beginning of an ear infection.  I've also got this sneezing thing going on. It happens sometimes -- basically I just start sneezing and can't stop and no medications will touch it.  Just a steady stream of sneezing for hours (it drives my co-workers nuts!).  This time around it started at midnight on Tuesday and is still hanging around tonight (Wednesday at 9pm).  My body is fighting back.  I've pushed it too hard for too many weeks in a row and it's telling me to stop.  I can't stop yet - finals week next week - but I am finally getting the message that I pushed too hard this time. I'll do what I can in the next 7 days to take care of myself and not push too hard.

A few weeks ago when I was registering for classes for the Spring semester everyone who cared about me told me to cut it back to two classes this time instead of three.  So I did.  Just two classes next semester.  Except I wasn't convinced.  Up until a couple days ago I was still contemplating signing up for that third classes - it was still open and it would have been an easy class (speech) and I kept checking the schedule to make sure it was still available.  Yes, I really was going to sign up for that third class against the advice of some very smart people.

Today I was sitting at work feeling like crap when I realized my body was forcing me to slow down whether I wanted to or not.  OK fine.  Lesson learned.  Slow down, Pam!  I won't register for that third class next semester.  And I'm going to do a better job of saying no and focus more on taking better care of myself.

~Pam

Vitamin Schedule Confession

Confession Time. I've been lax on my vitamins lately. I hate that I am. I hate that I have to confess it out loud in order for me to figure out how to fix it. I hate that I screw things up sometimes. Why? Why am I doing this? My brain knows how important it is, but it seems like I just don't care as much. Is it the struggle I'm facing with the scale (and it's lack of movement)? Is it the knee and ankle injury that I'm nursing and won't go away which is hindering my exercise enjoyment? Is it some emotional block that's screwing with my routine? I don't know but it is pissing me off. In reality, I have been taking my vitamins. But I've been missing doses too often for my comfort level. It's not like I have just stopped taking them completely - no, not at all. But this morning when I pulled the pillbox out of my purse to refill with today's morning vitamins, I realized that yesterday's morning vitamins were still in there and I didn't even remember that I had missed them. It was a bit of a wake up call for me this morning. All my calcium was gone, so I did good with calcium yesterday apparently. But it is too common that I don't get in all five doses of my calcium. I need to take 2000mg calcium each day and I've chosen to use the Bariatric Advantage Lozenges which are only 400mg per dose. So I need 5 per day. But if I switch to Citrical instead, that's 600mg per dose and I'd only need 3 to 4 doses. A couple nights ago I fell asleep on the couch around 11:00 and woke up around 2am - got up and went to bed. Neglecting the stop in the kitchen for my bedtime vitamins. Nope, it's not that I didn't remember that I needed to take them ... it's that I decided not to. Thought about it, rejected it and just went to bed. Idiot! Little incidents like this finally hit me today as being a BIG deal that I need to face head-on. Confession is good for the soul, right? But fixing it is not really a matter of "Just do it" because obviously that's not working. For several months I've used the text-message-alarm system offered by www.MyMedSchedule.com and it's worked fine. Unfortunately, I seem to be ignoring those little text messages lately. They have simply become part of the background noise of my day rather than a true alarm system that spurs me to action. So here's the plan:

• Turned off the alarm messages from My Med Schedule
• Switch to Citrical calcium pills more often so I require fewer doses throughout the day
• Go back to taking vitamin doses with meals/snacks rather than "every-2-hours"
• When I catch myself "deciding" not to take a vitamin dose, I'll be kicking my own butt

~Pam

Screwing Up

Lately I've begun to notice a pattern of bad behavior in certain circumstances.  Today happens to be one of those days. 

Here's the pattern (I think).  When life gets very hectic and I'm busy every day for many days in a row I get this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to be home.  Literally I find myself saying over and over in my head, "I just want to be home."   Today is one of those days.  It was about 2:00 this afternoon when I realized how often I'd been saying that to myself - almost like a mantra.  It's weird.

Ok, so how does that relate to bad behavior?  

First -- on days when I don't have specific obligations or commitments after work or on the weekend and I can actually just do whatever I want. I should actually hit the nature trails and get in a good workout.  Tonight's weather was good and I had no plans.  But I skipped the workout so I could be home. 

Second -- when I find myself mentally exhausted I get lazy with my food.  Lazy and sloppy and I don't care if I let bad eating habits creep back in.  Today I didn't care and I ate crap food.  I don't feel guilty about it - I do feel slightly yucky because my body doesn't like crap anymore - but mentally I just don't care.  I think somehow the exhaustion and the need to be home makes me want comfort in some way and for so much of my life I used food as a source of comfort, so it's easy to fall back on that feeling.

SO.... this bad behavior doesn't happen very often.  I do get the "I want to be home" thought pattern often, but it usually doesn't cause the bad behavior to this extent.  So I shouldn't be beating myself up for not being perfect 100% of the time.  

---

Alright.  I just went and updated my food log.  (Yes, the link on the right still works.)  It's just over 1,400 calories (and that includes still eating the dinner in a bit).  Definitely heavy on the carbs, but at least I've still got my protein needs in and my fiber numbers don't actually look that bad.   When I think about what these numbers really mean and compare them to what they would be before surgery ... it isn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  

BUT - I think it's my attitude that's attached to the bad eating and skipping exercise that bothers me the most.  I believe I need to work on scheduling more downtime so I don't get to the point of breaking.  Maybe I need to figure out how to scale back on some of the stuff I'm commited to.  I dunno.. it's something I need to think about. 

Ok.  Now I'm going to go eat dinner.  Earlier today I'd planned a big ole salad topped with grilled chicken - except I've switched the chicken to turkey to save a few calories.  Then off to bed early so I can recoup a bit.

~Pam

Emotional Eating and Bad Habits

The thing I've figured out about emotional eating is that it happens without time to evaluate whether or not it's emotional hunger or real hunger ..... or else it happens without my caring that it's emotional. Emotional Eating Happens. The self loathing that follows pretty much sucks.

Bad habits are very easy to fall back into. In this case, it's grazing. Again, the self loathing comes on strong after reflecting on what I've done.

It's one thing to plan a bad day on purpose. It's quite another to have a bad day happen and be totally out of control because of emotions and bad habits. I've had two bad days back to back.

Friday I spent the day at the scrapbook store. I packed up my gear and used their workroom for several hours, working on scrapbooking projects. They provided snacks for croppers - M&M's and ChexMix. I had more than my share. Grazing. Mindless nibbling. Those little bites add up to big time calories.

Saturday I vowed to have a better eating day. I did pretty good up until around 8pm when I got seriously pissed about some computer problems and let some other emotionally suppressed crap get to me. I ended up with a bowl of ice cream - low carb variety, but still bad in the quantity I had and especially for the reason I had it. Add in some cheestos that never should have been in the house and some Snackwell's cookies. Ok... let's just say it was a very bad night. I knew it was emotional eating. But I couldn't stop myself because my emotions were too strong to even care. I went to bed in the midst of a dumping episode - racing heart, extreme bloating and nausea. I deserved it for how I behaved.

So this morning I got out of bed with some serious self loating going on. Beating myself up. Vowing to do better today. I tried to do some meal planning this morning, but I didn't even want to think about food. But without a plan I knew I'd be out of control again. So I have a rough plan for the day. Just want to be good today.

EDITED TO ADD -- Sunday turned out to be just as bad of a day as Friday and Saturday. Maybe worse. I don't know what my problem is. Feels like self-sabotage at this point. Really need to get my head screwed on straight because I can't let this continue.

~Pam

Grouchy & Pissy

Grouchy and Pissy. That pretty much sums up my mood today. I can feel myself being impatient with myself and others and really don't trust myself to be around people today -- I know I'm going to bite someone's head off and end up regretting it later. So I'm making a conscious effort to not interact with people today any more than I need to.

A lot of this is a result of a fight I had yesterday with my best friend. It's patched up, but I'm still feeling like I'm ready to fight some more. But also feeling defeated and beat down because of it. Reminds me of the song by Terri Clark, "I Just Wanna Be Mad."

Another big contributor is that stupid scale. It's not moving, no matter what I do. I know I'm not done losing, I know the scale will move again sooner or later, I know I need to just keep on course and it'll all work out in the end ... my brain knows all that. But the emotions are not communicating with the brain right now and the frustration and exasperation is setting in big time.

Also feeling especially single these days. But I won't get into that cuz it'll just get me down even more.

As I've said before, I'm an "emotional non-eater." I don't eat when I'm in a mood like this. Which is just as bad as over eating. So I'm being aware of that trait and trying to not let it get the best of me today.

So yeah... this WLS journey thing, it's not always sunshine and roses. Life still happens and some days you just want to hide under the covers and not face the day. But life goes on and you have to deal with it.

~Pam

Pasta

I love my homemade spaghetti sauce.  It's easy and so yummy!  Ok, so maybe it's not totally homemade, but it's not from a jar, so I call it homemade.

1 3oz jar tomato paste

1 14oz can diced tomatoes

1 lb ground hamburg

1 cup sliced/diced mushrooms

garlic

italian seasoning

salt

pepper

water (use as much as needed to get the consistency you like)

So anyway, I made a pot of spaghetti sauce today.  (I know, crazy huh -- you'd think with all those beans that I'd make something with them.)

I had a tiny bit of whole grain pasta (high in protein) left in the pantry, so I boiled it up to go with the sauce.  I'd also bought a spaghetti squash last week, but figured I'd go the pasta route today. 

Pasta and my pouch still do not get along very well.  Feeling a bit pukey.  

~Pam

  

Dehydrated

I didn't do good with water this weekend and I'm paying for it today. Definitely dehydrated. I've already downed 48 ounces of water today and can't seem to shake it. Whenever my body needs water, it tells me. I get this strange feeling in my ears ... like they are popped (same as when you're on an airplane) and I feel like I'm breathing and talking inside a tunnel or something. I usually get this feeling first thing in the morning, but it's gone with a glass of water in the morning. But today it's holding on for way too long. I just finished my second 20-ounce bottle of water here at work (had about 8 ounces before I left the house this morning). I'm going to eat lunch in a few minutes and hopefully that'll put me over the top so this ringing will stop! I need to be more disciplined with getting ALL my water in EVERYday, no matter what. ~Pam

Midnight Cookie Cravings

I am not a "sweets" person. Cookies and chocolate and desserts are not typically my downfall. Chips and salts snacks... yeah, that's where my weaknesses lie. So this past week has been a bit odd for me with all the cookie cravings. I baked cookies for Christmas with no fear whatsoever that they would become a trigger food while they were in the house. I made Cream Sandwich Cookies and Italian Wedding Cookies.

We have our final family Christmas celebration on Thursday (New Year's Day) and the plan was to take the cookies with me and share them with family. With 28 hungry people, there would be no problem getting rid of every last cookie. No big deal... I figured I could bake the cookies and keep them stored until then. I have other sweets in the house that have been there for months and I have had no tempation to eat 'em.

But I've been eating them. Too many of them. And they kept calling to me from the kitchen ... enticing me to eat them. Begging me to nibble their sweet deliciousness.

Last night I crawled into bed around 11:00 p.m. and read for a while. Around midnight the cookies started calling to me. This time I was pissed! How dare they taunt me! I got angry.

So I got out of bed at midnight, went to the kitchen and dumped both containers of cookies straight into the trash.

Their sweet smell filled the kitchen and I was suddenly sad to see them go. There they sat, right on top of a cardboard box in the trashcan, smelling all yummy still. I opened the fridge to find something that needed to be cleared out ... nothing, I'd just cleaned the fridge the other day so all the food was fresh. So I sacraficed a bowl of chili and dumped it on top of the cookies to cover up the sweet smell of powdered sugar. There! Take that you nasty cookies!

This morning I peeked in the trash and mentally patted myself on the back. It feels good to be back in control.

~Pam

Yucky Tummy Day

Wow!  3 posts in one day ... bet you guys are tired of me already.  

I've said before that this blog is about the good days AND the bad days. Today happens to be a pretty yucky day so I'm going to whine for a minute. 

I came home from vacation and the drastic weather change brought on a nasty head cold and congestion and sinus drainage. Yuck!  I also came home with some crazy rash/bump/bite thing going on and it itches like mad.  Yuck again!   I've been experiencing some dizzyness lately too. Not sure if it's a blood pressure thing (happens when I stand up suddenly) or if it has to do with the head cold.  Yuck!

But today, something is up with my tummy.  It started early this morning as I was drinking my protein coffee on the way to work.  I couldn't decide if I needed to puke or poop, but neither has happened and I still feel yucky tonight.  Maybe its gas, maybe its constipation, maybe its something I ate that doesn't like my system.  I just can't figure out what it feels like. Yuck!

Hope tomorrow is better.

~Pam

Bad Food Day

Dang it! My will was weak today. In fact, my will has been weak too often in the past couple weeks. Here's the deal... Today I had cookies. Yes, plural. Three chocolate chip cookies. Also grabbed a caramel from the candy dish on a co-worker's desk. Then for dinner I stopped at Wendy's for a chili, somehow my mouth also ordered french fries. And since I ate the fries (about half an order) my pouch doesn't feel good anymore and I'm not eating the chili. What is my problem!? I've just come off a weekend of not logging my food, eating stuff not necessarily on my eating plan.. but not too far off base. I've been on the run for 3 days straight and just been grabbing as I was out and about. On top of that I've been struggling with drinking enough water lately. Which is probably resulting in some water retention. I know this because the scale isn't moving again. So here I am... confessing to ya'll. Being accountable for my bad behavior and committing to get my butt back on track with no excuses. No more being bad. No more letting my weak will have the control. I am stronger than myself. ~Pam

Who's the Boss?

Guess I started to get cocky today. I haven't had any pouch issues lately and feel like I've been eating pretty normally. Normal people eat cinnamon rolls, right? Right. "Normal" people do eat cinnamon rolls ... but WLS people don't. So my pouch told me who was boss today. Lesson learned. ~Pam

Easter Woes

So the family got together at my parent's house for the traditional mid-afternoon Easter dinner. Mom, Dad, Sis and her kids, Brother and his family, Grandma & Grandpa, Aunt and Uncle... all 14 of us crowded around the table to enjoy each other's company and the feast my mom put together. I started my day out just fine with my typical protein hot cocoa and a light lunch/snack of soy chips before heading over to help mom at around 12:30. I remembered to take my camera, so actually got some cute shots of the nieces and nephews (of course they're still on the camera, so I don't have any to post with this message). The kids had their Scavenger Egg Hunt where the Easter Bunny leaves a clue for each of the kids and they have to find the next egg on the trail. Each egg after that has a clue stuffed inside telling them where to find the next one. Eventually they get an Easter basket at the end of the scavenger hunt. Everyone had a great time. Dinner was delicious, but somewhat of a disaster for me. I had a couple bites of ham, a couple bites of cheesy potatoes, roasted veggies and homemade noodles. And suddenly I realized something was very wrong. Not sure if I'd eaten too fast, hadn't chewed enough or if something just didn't agree with me -- but I was feeling very sick. Of course, true to form I never actually vomit immediately when I feel sick or when something feels stuck. So I quietly sat at the table being miserable while everyone continued their meal around me. Eventually I got overheated and needed to go outside to get some air. Still no vomiting. Sat back at the table and waited for everyone else to finish. Then helped clear the table and clean up the kitchen. Still feeling yucky. Overall, besides dinner, Easter with the family was good. It was nice to see the kids have fun with their egg hunt and get some cute pictures of them. So later at home it was about 8:00 p.m. and I knew I needed to eat something for dinner. But my tummy wasn't really agreeing with that sentiment and didn't want anything. After calculating my calories and protein for the day on FitDay I knew I didn't have a choice - I needed to eat. So I settled on another protein hot cocoa - figuring that it's normally soothing and easy. Oh No! Not this time. Within 30 minutes of drinking it I was feeling yucky again. Sorta felt like I had something stuck and sorta felt like I was dumping. So I gave up and just went to bed to sleep it off. It took me a while to get to sleep and I even pulled the trash can over close to the bed since it felt like puke-city. Hate that! In fact, hated that feeling so much I was crying as I laid in bed feeling miserable. And for any of you who know me, I simply don't cry very much at all. The next morning I felt much better but still a bit leary of what my tummy would be doing. So I stuck with soft foods and liquids most of Monday. Now that it's Tuesday things seem to be back to normal again. Thankfully! So --- isn't that an exciting story of how Easter 2008 went for me?! ~Pam

Be VERY careful when ordering at a restaurant

I learned my lesson the hard way today. And oh boy is it bad!

I was running late for work this morning so I skipped making a protein shake at home. Instead I stopped at Tropical Smothie Cafe. I've got one of their menus in my car, so picked out what looked the healthiest and felt good about my choice. I normally pick off the "Splenda Menu", but decided to change it up a bit today. I went for the Peanut Paradise Protein Shake. Half a banana, peanut butter, low-fat yogurt and whey protein. Sounds healthy, huh?

I drank most of it this morning over the course of an hour or so. It's 24oz, so I skipped my normal breakfast and just had the shake.

Just about the time when I got near the end of the smoothie I started to feel shakey and my tummy started to rumble. Bad feeling. Very very bad. Made a trip to the restroom. Still feeling bad and shakey. Like my hands were literally shaking and apparently my face is flushed because a few people asked if I was alright.

So I called Tropical Smoothie Cafe and asked for the specific information on the Peanut Paradise. The guy said: "It's just a half banana, peanut butter, low-fat yogurt and protein powder." So I questioned him some more about the yogurt asking if he'd check the sugar content of the yogurt and how much was added. He went to find the "nutrition sheet" and came back saying that the sugar content wasn't listed. I asked him to check the actual yogurt container. He went to find the container. He came back to the phone finally and said it wasn't listed. I questioned him again saying... "there must be sugar in that smoothie, I'm crashing I need to know how much sugar there is." His reply?

"Well there's a cup and a half of sugar in it too."

OH MY STARS! Actually my response was "holy shit!" He also mentioned that there's 810 calories in the smoothie. (Guess that uses up my entire calorie count for the day!)

Right now I'm not in full blown dumping. Tummy rumblings, gas, shakey hands and a bit light headed but not the full blown stuff I hear about where you're curled up in a ball wanting to die with extreme cramps, explosive diarrhea, sweating and pain. Hope I don't get to experience "late dumping" in a couple hours. I just want to feel better and be done with this.

I've been really careful to not test my sugar limits since surgery. I didn't want to know if I dumped or not. I wanted the fear to be securely in place and not play around with that knowledge. So now I guess I know I can sit down to a bowl of 12 oz. pure sugar and eat it up with a spoon and only have minor ramifications.

Damn it! I didn't want to know this information.

~Pam

The Emotional Journey is Tough

The crazy thing about WLS is that the doctor does surgery on your stomach and intestines. He doesn’t touch your brain at all. But the hardest part of this whole process is dealing with the emotional issues that go along with everything else. Head Hunger Emotional Eating Trigger Foods Relationship Issues Balancing Stress Hormonal Imbalance And that’s just the tip of the iceburg. Who knew that so much of our eating, exercise and hunger issues were tied so closely to psychological issues! It was a tough weekend for me in this department. For the past few weeks I’ve been dropping weight pretty steadily. About 3 pounds a week and probably another 3 on my weigh in day tomorrow. And with every pound I lose the hormones that are stored and produced inside my fat cells are being released into my system or being moved to different production spots. So I’ve got that crazy emotional PMS feeling and it just seems to be getting worse. This is the first time since surgery that I’ve really noticed a prolonged period of time when my emotions have gotten in the way of life. I argued with my best friend for no good reason at a time when he was hurting and needed support. I was grouchy with my family because they didn’t do what I wanted them to do at the time I wanted it done. My car needs a repair and I’m stressed about the cost and whether or not it’ll be worth it to fix the car or call it dead and shop for another. I bawled all over the place when I got an email from a dear friend struggling with her battle with cancer. I felt a bit depressed and just wanted to hibernate and be left alone. Then this morning while driving to work (got lots of thinking time with my long commute) – I started thinking about my behavior and mood over the weekend. And suddenly realized the advice given to so many new post-ops. It’s the crazy hormones that are doing all this to me. I’m not losing my mind after all! I’ve also reaffirmed my initial analysis that I am not a stress eater. When things get rough for me emotionally I actually don’t turn to food for comfort. In fact, I turn away from food, it seems. Meals this weekend were weak and very simple and I only ate because I knew I had to. Instead of having a real meal yesterday for lunch, I had some soy chips instead. High protein snack, but not exactly a well balanced meal of protein and veg. But the soy chips were easy and didn’t require thought or planning. It supported my hibernation mood. I suppose this is just as unhealthy of a behavior as stress eating for comfort. Who knows. So yeah…. Been an emotional weekend (and part of last week too). Maybe now that I recognize what’s going on, I can deal with it better. ~Pam

Yesterday ..... Today ..... ugh!

What worked yesterday won't necessarily work today. Yesterday a cooked up an extra lean hamburger patty and enjoyed it with some A-1 sauce. It was delicious. Today I tried the same thing with very different results. After about 1/4 of the patty I was feeling not so good. Threw the rest in the trash and have been suffering for an hour or so. Foamies and dry heaves and more foamies. Nothing's coming up at this point - I'd feel much better if it did - so it looks like it wants to go down eventually. Just gotta suffer through it until it's better. Just thought I'd share ... (gotta spread the love, right?) Pam