Thursday, May 07, 2009

Screwing Up

Lately I've begun to notice a pattern of bad behavior in certain circumstances.  Today happens to be one of those days. 
Here's the pattern (I think).  When life gets very hectic and I'm busy every day for many days in a row I get this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to be home.  Literally I find myself saying over and over in my head, "I just want to be home."   Today is one of those days.  It was about 2:00 this afternoon when I realized how often I'd been saying that to myself - almost like a mantra.  It's weird.
Ok, so how does that relate to bad behavior?  
First -- on days when I don't have specific obligations or commitments after work or on the weekend and I can actually just do whatever I want. I should actually hit the nature trails and get in a good workout.  Tonight's weather was good and I had no plans.  But I skipped the workout so I could be home. 
Second -- when I find myself mentally exhausted I get lazy with my food.  Lazy and sloppy and I don't care if I let bad eating habits creep back in.  Today I didn't care and I ate crap food.  I don't feel guilty about it - I do feel slightly yucky because my body doesn't like crap anymore - but mentally I just don't care.  I think somehow the exhaustion and the need to be home makes me want comfort in some way and for so much of my life I used food as a source of comfort, so it's easy to fall back on that feeling.
SO.... this bad behavior doesn't happen very often.  I do get the "I want to be home" thought pattern often, but it usually doesn't cause the bad behavior to this extent.  So I shouldn't be beating myself up for not being perfect 100% of the time.  
Alright.  I just went and updated my food log.  (Yes, the link on the right still works.)  It's just over 1,400 calories (and that includes still eating the dinner in a bit).  Definitely heavy on the carbs, but at least I've still got my protein needs in and my fiber numbers don't actually look that bad.   When I think about what these numbers really mean and compare them to what they would be before surgery ... it isn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  
BUT - I think it's my attitude that's attached to the bad eating and skipping exercise that bothers me the most.  I believe I need to work on scheduling more downtime so I don't get to the point of breaking.  Maybe I need to figure out how to scale back on some of the stuff I'm commited to.  I dunno.. it's something I need to think about. 
Ok.  Now I'm going to go eat dinner.  Earlier today I'd planned a big ole salad topped with grilled chicken - except I've switched the chicken to turkey to save a few calories.  Then off to bed early so I can recoup a bit.

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