Signing off ... Visit the archives

I'm happy & healthy...my journey continues.

When I started this blog on August 5, 2006, I never thought it would still be around in 2014. In blog years, this thing is a dinosaur! 

As you may have noticed, there hasn't been any new blog posts for several months -- but I was a bad blogger and didn't actually tell you that I was going to take a break from regular updates. So I'll tell you now. I'm taking a break. 

I'm 6.5 years out from my RNY weight loss surgery and I am a success in maintaining my new found healthy lifestyle. I owe my success in large part to this blog. It has made me accountable to myself and my readers, but also it has allowed me to meet so many amazing people who rally together in the WLS community to support and cheer on one another. 

As you know (from the post below this one), I have written a book about my experiences in the weight loss surgery community. Journey to a Healthier Me: A travel guide to physical & emotional well-being after weight loss surgery is on sale at Amazon and some local bookstores - or so I've been told. I hope you buy a copy and tell me what you think. (If you want an autographed copy, just let me know and we can make that happen!)

Even though I don't plan to write more updates here, I will continue to maintain the site and let the archives stand as-is. There is a ton of information, research, resources, and my fair share of ramblings here for you to browse through. Check the list of links on the right column for some of the most popular blog posts. And don't forget to visit the Recipe Index - lots of great yumminess there! If you're a WLS Support Group Leader, please visit the page with topic ideas and links to resources. 

I'm always available by email, feel free to reach out to me anytime. 

For those who might be interested in following my quest for creative inspiration, I invite you to check out my newly-revived blog called {CREATE}. It's a work in progress, but it should be fun. 

If I can leave you with one piece of advice it is this: Celebrate your victories! No matter how big or how small the goals might be, take time to pat yourself on the back for them all - reward yourself! And whenever you achieve a goal, set a new one. And lastly, make a list of your WOW Moments. 

Enjoy your journey to better health. Stop along the way and enjoy the good life and don't get too bogged down in set backs, hurdles, or sharp curves ... just keep moving and you'll be a great success!

~Pam

A flower needs sunshine

I discovered an online photo editing tool called PicMonkey. It's got some great features and a fun interface ... I created the above photo/quote using one of my own pictures and a quote I found on Brainy Quotes.  The PicMonkey site is billed as a fun tool to use in creating your own photos to be added to your Pinterest Boards. So check out my Pinterest account for this one being added to my pile!

Have a beautiful day!
~Pam

My Beach Commitment

Oscoda, Michigan | City Park Beach

Ahhh... the beach! You hear me talk about it a lot. And I even get a bit of flake from my coastal friends who whine that I'm misusing the term (as if a lakeshore can't be called a beach!?) - yes people, a beach is a beach even if it's on a lake, not an ocean!

No matter which side of the argument you're on, it doesn't matter to me. All I know is that I really love being near the water. It helps me feel centered and at peace. If my toes are tucked into the warm sand and my face is turned toward the waves, all is right with the world and nothing else matters.

Because this is my summer of renewal and rejuvenation, I have made the commitment to myself to schedule lots of beach time. I'll either be on, near or in the water at least every other week all summer long. So far I've exceeded my goal and I'm not complaining a bit!

I mentioned on Facebook that I have a book called "How to Live in Flip Flops." I bought it a couple years ago when I was on a trip to a beach somewhere (Mackinaw maybe?). I teased in my FB post that I have it on display in my house. That's actually the truth. It is on my bookcase but instead of being tucked in with all the other books, it's turned out to face the room so I see the cover. The bookcase is in my bedroom and directly in my line of sight when I walk into the room. I see it every morning when I'm getting ready for work and it reminds me to relax and not to take life so seriously. It's a fun little book, but there are a lot of very valuable life lessons on those pages. I'll share some with you in another post.

The photo here was taken on my last beach trip to Oscoda. I snapped it just before I made my way down to the shoreline and set up my beach chair for an afternoon of renewal. I'm so glad I live in Michigan where water is everywhere and there are so many beautiful places to visit.

~Pam

Keeping it Real

Hello all my faithful readers!

I know that lately I've been a very bad blogger. In fact, for the past 6 months or so, it's been very hit or miss with blog posts. It's not because I don't love you. Really. I love you all a bunch! I can't express to you how much my WLS family has meant to me during these past 5.5 years that I've been keeping this blog going. You're amazing!

But its time for me to be real and honest with myself and what I'm capable of with my limited time. Things are crazy busy for me -- more so than normal. I don't want to feel guilt for neglecting this blog, so I'm going to take a step back for now and try to focus on what is most pressing in my life. Just a few things going on right now:

• New Job -- I'm just starting my second week of my new job!! Yeah me!! Right after my surgery I decided to go back to school and finish my degree. In September I graduated with an Associate's Degree in graphic communication which then opened up an opportunity for me at work to pursue my dream and become a Graphic Artist. I'm thrilled with the new promotion but I've also been thrown into the deep end of the ocean with a huge project to get me started. 
• New Business -- Just about the time I was graduating from college, an opportunity fell into my lap to join forces with three other amazing graphic designers. Together we formed a design agency  and business is booming! We're so excited to be working together and amazed at the awesome things God is doing to help us grow our business so quickly. I'm still working my day job (we WLS folks need insurance, right?!) and putting in around 30 hours a week on client work. But two of the partners are working the business full time already and the third is making plans to transition later this year. So things are going well and I'm excited to see what is in store for us.
• WLS Community -- I'm still active in my local WLS community. I continue to lead the Bay City WLS Support Group and attend two other support meetings each month. My local friends all have my email and phone number and know how to find me. My online friends can hit me up on email or FB. You may not see me online at ObesityHelp.com much anymore, but I'm still around online. Yes, I even visit Facebook once in a while. (And we all know I spend way too much time on Pinterest.) 
• The Book -- I haven't forgotten about my promise to publish my book. Right now I'm a whole year behind schedule based on my original plan. But I still want to finish it. Remember that huge project I mentioned up there with the new job? After that's done, the book is next on my list. Yes, for real!
• Back to School -- I want to continue my schooling. I probably won't go to school for another 3 years to get my Bachelor's Degree in design like I thought a year ago, but there are definitely some classes I want to take - particularly classes in marketing and business and advanced design work to help with the new business venture. That will start again with the Spring term. 
• House Hunting -- For the past 10 years I have endured a 150-mile round trip commute to work. That's nearly 3 hours a day on the road. Do the math. It's crazy! (380,000 miles and what amounts to nearly 1 full year on the road).  It's time to move! So come spring, I'm going to do some serious house shopping. Not sure how I'm going to pull that off and sell my current house and all that goes with it... but it's my goal. 

So it's time to take a break from this blog. I know. I know. I'm sad too. 

I'm too buried with stuff these days and I don't think it's fair to you to just leave you hanging like this. But it's not like I'm leaving forever and moving to Mars. I'll still be here. And you know me... if I have something pressing to say or to share with you, you'll hear from me! There WILL be occasional posts and I will definitely let you know when the book is done and on the market. 

I just want to be fair to you all, my faithful readers. There's nothing that I hate more than an abandoned blog, so I'm trying to avoid that scenario. Everything here will still be here and once in a while I'll be back with something brilliant (ha!) to say. So don't unsubscribe from the email list and don't remove me from your RSS feed and don't delete the bookmarks.... I'm still here, just not "here" here. 

Love you all!

~Pam

My life as the artist

Isn't it interesting how life changes so drastically... and so quickly? A year ago I was neck deep in the WLS world, diligently writing my book and hanging out on the message boards at ObesityHelp.com. I was working hard to get my degree and learn everything I could about graphic design and had way too much on my task list.

But here I am now and my focus is a lot different. I seem to spend a lot of my day doing design work... at work as well as with my new business partners as we begin this new graphic design company. I am loving every minute of it! I don't seem to socialize much with folks online in the WLS world lately. I miss my friends and still think of you all often. But the direction things are going makes me happy.

When I think about how much my life has changed in the past couple years, I am amazed at the plans God has for me and how quickly it is all happening. Lots of transition going on right now. It's exciting and scary and wonderful. Life is good.

Pam

Center of My Universe

It has been 3.5 years since I had weight loss surgery and WLS is no longer the center of my universe. Actually, WLS has been moving further and further away from the center for some time now - it's just that in the past few months I've noticed it more. Let me explain.

When I first had surgery - in fact, in the year before surgery - my whole world revolved around the fact that I had made a huge decision to change my life, my habits and the way I thought about myself in terms of being healthy or not. The decision to alter the anatomy of my body was an extreme step. 

WLS isn't just a way to lose weight and get healthy, it physically alters my body and changes the way I make every decision about my body for the rest of my life. It's not just about eating the right foods and exercising and taking my vitamins - it's having to do all those things 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year without a single day off. This isn't a diet that I can start and stop anytime I want, it's a change to the very core of my life and how I live it every minute of the day. 

For the first couple years after WLS, I felt every single one of those minutes of my day. But slowly I worked my way toward "normal" (and even wrote about it here a few times - "Working Toward Normal"). I was making a conscious effort to stop thinking about WLS all the time and stop allowing it to define who I was as a person. No, I'll never be a non-WLS person, but I can find a way for it to be just one small part of who I am rather than the whole.

Long time readers who know me, know that I'm a busy person. I work a full-time job, I commute to work the equivalent of another part time job (on the road 15 hours a week), I go to school full time and a bunch of other stuff (ya know, like writing a book and stuff). So it's not like I've let WLS bog me down and get in the way of living my life - but it was always occupying a large part of my thinking space. 

I'm sure you've noticed in the past couple months that my blog posting has diminished significantly. I also haven't been visiting the WLS forums as often as I used to. Granted, some of this is due to a more intense workday and school schedule ... but a large part of this is due to the fact that WLS is no longer the center of my universe. 

I know that my blog posts have been pretty fluffy lately. Not a lot of in depth research or lessons like I've shared in the past. Some of that is probably a result of being so entrenched in school and it using up so much of my brain power. But it might also be a result of putting so much of my WLS energies into the writing of my book (yes, it's coming!). So even though you haven't seen it here, I've honestly been writing about WLS like a madwoman! But it's draining my energy. A lot. Like, seriously a lot. So I've been a bit distanced from the WLS community and blog world these past few months. 

Is this a good thing? Is it bad? It is neither? I don't know... for now it's an observation and something I'll contemplate a bit more in the coming weeks. I don't plan to go away or leave this blog abandoned or anything. The archives still have a lot of valuable information for those who are just starting their journey and I hope people find it helpful still. But I suspect the direction of this blog might change a bit in the coming months - from WLS-centric to Pam-centric instead. Sort of a chronicle of what life is like as a normal person who just happened to have WLS. 

So that's what's on my mind today as I work on the final edits of the book and get it ready to be submitted to the publisher in the next week or two. My brain hurts and I'm exhausted from being overextended, but it's an interesting thing to realize that WLS isn't the center of my universe anymore and that I'm living a pretty normal life these days. It's taken over four years to get here - so this is a new place for me. 

~Pam

Our Emotional Bank Account

There's a daily email medication service my friend Keith introduced me to by Hazelden - it's called Today's Gift. I receive it each day - and when Keith finds one he particularly likes, he'll forward his copy to me too (in case I ignored mine).  You can sign up for the daily email meditation at Hazelden - it's a website dedicated to those overcoming addiction or destructive behavior (food addiction, overeating and emotional negative self talk fall into this category too!). It's all about recovery.


A recent message caught my eye and I wanted to share it with you.


Reflection for the Day
One of the best ways to get out of the self-pity trap is to do some "instant bookkeeping." For every entry of misery on the debit side of our ledger, we can surely find a blessing to mark on the credit side: the health we enjoy, the illnesses we don't have, the friends who love us and who allow us to love them, a clean and sober 24 hours, a good day's work. If we but try, we can easily list a whole string of credits that will far outweigh the debit entries which cause self-pity. Is my emotional balance on the credit side today?

Today I Pray
May I learn to sort out my debits and credits and add it all up. May I list my several blessings on the credit side. May my ledger show me, when all is totaled, a fat fund of good things to draw on.

Today I Will Remember
I have blessings in my savings.

~Pam

This Week

What have I been up to this week?  It's time for another bullet point list ....

• Finals are next week - so all past-due homework (yes, there's some) needs to be finished and turned in this week. Also means that all major final projects need to be finished and turned in next week along with prepping for final exams and whatnot.
• Decided to NOT take classes for the summer semester. It was sort of decided for me (not enough credit hours to take to fulfill student loan requirements) - but now that I am faced with a full 3.5 months of no school, I"m thrilled for the break.
• But that doesn't let me off the hook for all school.  There are 6 classes I plan to try testing out of over the summer. If all goes well, that'll be 15 credit hours I got for free. Woot!
• I want to write this summer.  The Protein Book is going to get a major overhaul.
• Speaking of writing... I have about a dozen half-written blog posts ready to roll once I finish them. As soon as school is over and this golf outing is over, you guys are going to be buried in reading material.
• My exercise lately has been very very bad. Need to fix that.
• Got my hair cut and colors tonight -- it's super cute!
• Work is ramping up again (did it ever let up from the last time it ramped up?) -- I'm in charge of the Fitness Expo again this year and my vendor registration forms just went out this week, so things will be busy with phone calls and emails and (hopefully) checks in the mail in the next couple weeks.
• Did I mention a golf outing? I'm doing some volunteer work on a golf outing as their graphic designer. It's exciting to use my skills for it, but it's also a lot of work. So the next 3 weeks will be crazy with that too.
• I gave away my living room chair (to charity) in the hopes that it'd motivate me to buy a new one. So far, no chair.  Bought a new desk chair though, and that's super comfy.
• My first weeks without my GoWearFit has been strange. I keep reaching up to my arm to adjust it and realize it's not there. 
• I met with my photography club this week and after our "meeting" we did a little impromptu photowalk. Except I didn't bring my camera to the meeting... so I just walked and talked and enjoyed the beautiful night air. I'm so glad that in all my busyness and hectic schedule that I've stayed active with the photog folks. I really enjoy the creativity of it. 
• I'm the guest speaker at my surgeon's support group meeting on Monday - need to finish prepping my presentation and get materials together for that yet.
• I've got shrimp in the oven for dinner that's nearly done..... 

~Pam

Thankful for Today

What are you thankful for today?  Let's hear your list....

Today is a GOOD day.  I'm happy.  I'm healthy.  My spirit is uplifted and I'm filled with joy.  Here's my list of good things for this morning ....

• Forecast calls for 84-degrees today. For it being Apri in Michigan this is something to celebrate - a rare occurance indeed.
• Daffodils are blooming - in my yard as well as all around town. There's also some other spring bulb/flower blooming right near my front porch that's beautiful and so happy looking - I don't know what it's called and can't recall seeing it before. I also checked the large flowerpots I left outdoors over the winter and stored under my porch... looks like my chives survived and are already growing like crazy.
• The sunrise was beautiful this morning on the drive in to work.  I had trouble keeping my attention focused on the road ahead - I  kept looking out my left window to soak in the beauty of the sky.
• I packed my gym bag with shorts, tank top and my walking shoes and I'll hit the trails after work for a power walk and some communing with nature.
• I drove by the local auto repair shop this morning and the mechanics were outside planting an ocean of Johnny Jump Ups ... I mean literally an ocean, folks!  They had already planted a million and still had a million more in flats yet to plant. Can't wait to see how it looks on the drive home.
• At my morning coffee pit stop this morning I had to fight my way to the coffee machine because the crew of guys from a lawn/landscaping company was there.  I've missed them over the winter (not that I know them or anything.)  They stop every morning to gas up the lawn equipment and stock up on snacks for the day. A sure sign that spring is here.
• Last night was my final session of group therapy. I got a little weepy on the drive home because I'll miss the weekly gathering with these friends who have grown even more special in the past couple months. We all knew each other before the session started, of course... but we've grown closer through out shared experience in therapy.
• I'm wearing flip flops today.
• I tried to wear capris today. I tried.  Really I did.  Put on 3 different pairs from last summer. All too big. Strange and frustrating. But also makes me smile. Even if the scale doesn't budge, something else is happening somewhere in my body to make my pants too big.

What's on your list?
~Pam

I love dead grass

My lawn is a mess.  Dead grass, soggy sod, mud puddles along the curb and patches of lawn displaced from shoveling and plowing.  I've got fallen branches and sticks from the big oak tree and even some litter along the back fence line from months of accumulation.

It's a beautiful site.  And I'm loving every minute of it.

Really.  I'm not even being sarcastic or anything.  I love this time of year.  Just moments after the last of the big snow piles have melted and everything smells musty and damp and slightly decaying.  It is in these tiny moments when we realize that it's not all dead... it's the moment before everything wakes up from a long winter slumber. And soon - very soon - the flowers will pop their heads out from the dirt and announce that Spring really is here.

So yes, I love dead grass. Because it's not really dead - it was just sleeping under the snow.

Ok so I'm not a failure

The post from the other day lamented my feelings of failure.  So today I wanted to clear things up.  I know I'm not a failure.  My brain knows that anyway.  But my emotions sometimes scream louder than my brain and when that happens I forget that I need to change channels and listen to what my brain is saying.

I've lost over 100 pounds.  I've maintained that loss for 15 months without gaining it back.  I'm healthy and don't need medication to control my now-gone high blood pressure, asthma or insulin resistance.  I'm athletic and I've finished a half marathon, a couple 10-miler races and a slew of 5k's.  In a crowd I look like everyone else - not the fattest, not the skinniest, just normal sized.  I am a success.

Today I went back and reviewed my list of "100 Ways" my life has changed since losing the weight.  I never did get all the way to 100 because I stopped adding things to the list even though more great things were happening.  But that list still includes 50 pretty awesome things.  So often we forget how far we've come and what little things along the way had a huge impact on us at the time.  Little things like moving the driver's seat forward a notch because my belly is no longer in the way.  Those are the things that measure success. 



This picture is a comparison of Summer 2007 vs. Summer 2009.  I keep it on my cell phone and refer to it pretty often.  It's easy to forget where I was before WLS, but this photo brings me back to reality very quickly.

So there.  I'm not a failure.  Even if I might say it sometimes ... or even feel like it sometimes ... I actually know that I'm not.  I think the key is to remember the part where we have to push the self-doubt-failure-thoughts out of the way and invite I-know-I'm-a-success-feelings back into our lives. 

~Pam

Overdrawn

I'm overdrawn. My emotional bank is in the red because I've been writing too many checks and not receiving enough deposits.

These past couple weeks have been filled to overflowing with obligations, giving support to others, lots of brain work at the office and many other forms of giving, giving, giving. Because of this blog and my involvement on OH and my support groups - there seems to be a lot of demand on my time and resources to give support to others. I'm not complaining. I like to help others and do what I can to support them. But sometimes (a lot of times) I don't balance out all those withdrawals with enough rejuvinating deposits.

It seems like I say this a lot - every couple months or so. Always whining that I'm tired or that I run around too much or that I'm not home enough. I know I say it often and at regular intervals and my regular readers are probably tired of my whining. LOL I've really been trying to take more time for myself lately - like spending the day at the beach three weeks ago was a nice day off for me. But these little days of rejuvination can't be spread out so much. One day every three or four weeks simply isn't enough.

What am I going to do?

Day of Silence. I read an article a few weeks ago in my Yoga magazine about a woman who takes a vow of silence twice a month. Unplug everything -- TV, computer, phone, radio -- and just spend the day in quiet contemplation. She goes about her day as normal but she does it in silence without any outside distractions like books or magazines or electronics.

So I'm going to give a try. I still need to decide what level of "unpluggedness" I'm going to shoot for though. I'll definitely unplug the TV and computer and phone. But I really feel that this type of day needs to be finding things that relax me and give me a boost in my spirit. So spending time with my camera fits into the "boost my spirit" category. Also relaxing on the patio with a good book or magazine is important to me. Quiet meditative music seems to be in too. I'm sure there will be some spa treatments involved -- manicure? pedicure? bubble bath? ... or maybe all three?

Will I be able to do it both Saturday and Sunday? Or is it better to just do one day this first time out? I don't know yet. If this first Day of Silence works for me, I would like to schedule more at regular intervals.

I'll give a report on Monday...

~Pam

Results or Process

My friend Nik posed a question today. Are you results oriented or process oriented? Here's a bit about what she meant:

For some of us this so-called “honeymoon,” carries us through to goal. For others it leaves you very close but not quite. And that’s where that results-driven attitude can get you into trouble. Then one day I came to realize this—I do truly want to be happy. With my life. With my self. With my body. With my purpose on this planet. In order to do that I had to be more process oriented. That is to say, that I had to place my primary focus on how I was accomplishing a healthy life instead of the results of that healthy life.

Her words hit home for me. I've been dealing with this exact transition over the past few months. As you know I've struggled with the scale this year and I have expressed my frustration to you all often. I wanted to share my response to her question...

Just like you, Nik, I had a really tough time transitioning from a results oriented mentality to a process orientation. I went through a pretty bad bout of rebellion when I got so fed up with the scale -- no matter what I do it doesn't move. Exercise more. Exercise less. Change my exercise. Eat more. Eat less. Change what I'm eating. Drink my water. Dont' drink my water. The scale simple does not move any more. It has it's range and it bounces all over the place within that range. 185 to 190... could be any number within that range on any given day. I've been stuck in this range for 8 months now. One year ago last week I hit the 100 lbs lost mark. If I count the scale fluctation, in the past year I've lost a total of between 9 - 14lbs. A whole dang year and only 9 freaking pounds?! It is really hard to stay motivated with those kinds of numbers. (I know, stop saying only.) So I've had to transition from results oriented to process oriented. I've been actively working on it since about May or June. I'm not 100% there yet. The emotional struggle is grueling and some days I don't want to fight any more. But at least I know that's the direction I need to head -- I need to realize that this is life. I'm eating for my healthful lifestyle. I'm exercising for my health and fitness. I'm drinking water and taking vitamins for my health. It's not for weight loss or results on the scale. It's to be healthy.

Will I lose more weight? Yeah... I expect I will eventually. Very slowly. Ounces at a time now instead of pounds. I have another 30-ish pounds to lose before I reach the 160-mark I originally set for myself. If I lost 10 pounds a year, that means I'll be at goal in 3 years. I have, what, another 35-45 years to live.... so 3 years out of those 45 isn't that big of a deal right? But for now? I'm pretty happy with my body, happy with my health, happy that I am athletic and fit and another thing ... I'm just happy to be able to fit in with and look like a normal person (not the fattest girl in the room, just a normal sized person who blends in with everyone else).

This journey is about the rest of my life. It's not about what size jeans I wear today or what the scale will tell me tomorrow. This is my life.

A Bout of Rebellion

Rebellion - (re⋅bel⋅lion) 1) a refusal of obedience 2) resistance to or defiance of any authority, control, or tradition 3) defiance: intentionally contemptuous behavior or attitude, insubordination Sometimes I just get tired of being good, tired of following the rules and having to be perfect all the time. Sometimes I get tired of thinking about WLS, about what I eat and how much I exercise. I get tired of counting everything that passes my lips, following rules with protein first and moderate carbs, exercising religiously, taking two or three handfuls of vitamins, drinking enough water and just in general having to be perfect every day. I literally get tired of listening to myself think about WLS and all that goes with it. For much of July I've been in the mindset of rebellion. I'm sure you noticed that my eating hasn't been the greatest -- the discovery of having reactive hypoglycemia is a direct result of eating wrong. If I'd continued eating protein-forward meals like I should have been, I never would have known that my blood sugar bottoms out when I eat a carb-forward meal. I guess it's good that I know the diagnosis since it forces me to eat properly. I'm just pissed at myself for being so bad with my eating that it ever became an issue for me. I've also been slacking on exercise. I had one race scheduled for July and it got rained out, but I've put no effort into registering for any other races to hit my goal of 2 per month. And now it's July 28th and I have no hope of meeting that goal. I've also skipped out on a couple Tuesday night training sessions with my group. Once because I wanted to go to my photography group meeting instead and once because I just didn't feel like going so I went home and wallowed in my self-pity. I've also been neglecting my mid-week training workouts. Tonight we're scheduled for 8.75 miles and I'm not sure I'm really ready for that since I haven't been keeping up with my training these past few weeks. I continue to wear my GoWear Fit (and I'll do another review of this in the next day or two). So I know how many calories I'm burning and I almost always (95% of the time) hit my daily targets for calories burned, activity and steps. Although I'm not religiously tracking my food intake, I've never eaten more calories than I've burned - so I know I'm still in a calorie deficit every day. You've heard me preach about vitamins until I'm blue in the face. I know how essential they are to our post-op life. Vitamins are not an optional thing for us. I know this. My head knows it. So why do I let my rebellion get in the way and skip vitamins sometimes? Not often - maybe once a week or so - but it's enough that it bothers me. There's no excuse for this. It's stupid and dangerous. It might be an every-once-in-a-while thing right now, but it's too easy to let it become a bad habit and I need to nip this in the bud immediately. Confession is good for the soul, right? It's hard to say all this stuff out loud. Especially to you all. It's hard to realize that I'm not perfect (yeah right, like I ever believed that anyway!) and that it is very easy to fall off the wagon just like anyone else. Folks often come to me with questions or asking for advice about their own journey - which is fine, I'm happy to help. But sometimes it's hard to give support to others when I'm dragging my butt on my own journey. The diagnosis of reactive hypoglycemia was a wake up call for me. And the issues I'm having with ferritin and prealbumin is a concern too. Although none of these is serious at the moment, if I don't stay on top of stuff they can become serious. Thankfully my bout of rebellion hasn't lasted long and it's mostly been in my head and not too serious with the rest of my routines. Yes, eating and exercise has suffered, but it's not as back as it could have been if I'd gone totally off the deep end. It's good that I'm recognizing my behavior now and correcting it before it really got out of hand. I'm still working to get my head on straight today. I'm a lot closer than I was a week ago and it might take a bit more time to "find my religion" again. But I'm determined to get myself fully back on track. I never really strayed that far away from the straight and narrow -- but knowing how easy it is to let rebellion take over is sobering and scares me a bit. And it makes me all the more aware that I need to be vigilant at all times to keep myself on track. When I had WLS I signed up for life - it's not something I can turn on and off on a whim, it's a 24/7 operation and I can't let my guard down. Most of what I've written here is for my own benefit - saying it out loud to make it real and to set the goal of "being-hav." But I also want to make sure newbies and pre-ops understand how difficult this journey is and that it takes constant attention to the rules we all must follow forever. This thing is hard! But the rewards are great. Thanks for listening. ~Pam

Ponderings

I'm feeling very cotemplative today. So this post will probably be rambling and all over the map... but I just need to get some stuff out of my brain and down on paper today. This weekend my Grandmother had a small stroke. Doctors are hopeful that's is just a TIA - which means all symptoms will disappear after 24 hours and there is no permenant damage. She lost her speech and ability to walk, but when I saw her last night, she was doing great and talking up a storm, just like normal. This happened about a year ago too. It's a big scare for us because my Grandmother suffered a major stroke when she was 41 years old and suffered permenant damage to her speech and comprehension and some function of her right hand/leg. So anytime we hear mention of "stroke" with her current health condition, we get nervous. But she's doing well and it looks like she'll come home from the hospital today - her birthday is today, by the way. So of course she's been on my mind and this morning I came to the realization that I am very close to the age that she was when she had the stroke. I'm 39 years old. What if life as I knew it were to change completely in just 3 short years - I can't imagine how devestating that must have been emotionally for my grandmother who was still in the process of raising teenagers and was soon to be enjoying an empty nest with my grandfather. So these thoughts are making me rethink how much I appreciate my life, how far I've come and how far I have yet to go in achieving my goals and reaching my aspirations. And of course, these types of thoughts lead me to being single. Most of the time I'm content with my life and enjoy my independence. I like being accountable to only myself and having the ability to do whatever I want to do without having to answer to anyone else. But sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had a companion to share it with. A man to love me unconditionally and one I can love back. One day I hope to have that. And some days I wish that "one day" were here. But then I remember how much I hate dating and the headache it always seems to be ... and I begin to appreicate my single-ness again. But today I seem to be wallowing in the "being single blues." It never lasts long and will pass quickly. I've also been trying to figure out what I'm going to do about my weight. Not losing is frustrating and discouraging. Every day is a battle to keep doing the right things because it doesn't seem to make any difference on the scale whether I'm good or bad with my eating - nothing makes the scale move. Which reminds me of the battle I fought pre-op when I couldn't lose any weight no matter how hard I worked because of the PCOS and insulin resistance issues I struggled with. "Quitting" is a word I don't want to think about, but it's entered my thoughts lately and I constantly have to push it away. A month from now will mark the day when I hit the 100-pounds-lost mark. Today the scale shows that I have lost a mere 10 additional pounds since that day. Since the scale plays up and down with about 3 pounds, some days that number is an additional 13 pounds. I'm still wearing the same size clothes as I was a year ago - so I can't even claim that I'm losing inches. The statistics for excess weight loss after RNY show an average of 60% - 80% loss of excess weight. If I use the Met Life ideal body weight of 134 (which is what my surgeon uses) to calculate my percentage, I've lost 68.4%. If I use my goal weight of 160 to calculate my percentage, I've lost 81.2%. So either way I fall within the averages. But why doesn't that make me feel any better about what the scale is telling me these days? Most of the time I can ignore the nagging feeling of the scale and just focus on my life and how far I've come -- but some days it's just hard to ignore it. Today is one of those days. Ok, enough ponderings for now. I'll have to meditate of these things and find peace with my chaotic thoughts. Thanks for listening to me ramble... ~Pam

Not Planning Food

So what happens when I just wing it and don't plan my food for a few days? Any guesses?

I get carby. Really carby. 

If I don't have a specific plan for what I'm going to eat at each meal and what I'm going to have for snacks, I find that I reach for easy carbs. A rice cake with peanut butter, a 100 calorie bag of popcorn, a piece of fruit and sometimes even not such good choices like bread and pasta. I kind of always knew this about myself, but this weekend was a pretty big reminder.

 It's just too easy for me to grab the easy choice instead of taking the time to make a protein shake or fixing something like a grilled chicken breast or a steak. It's not that I don't enjoy eating dense protein - I do enjoy it! I mean, who doesn't love a juicy steak with a side of delicious veggies? It's my favorite thing. 

But sometimes I'm just lazy and don't take the time to cook. Or like this weekend, I was busy doing other stuff and didn't want to take the time to cook. I also had the kitchen torn apart doing some Spring Cleaning (yes, I know I'm late) and used that as an excuse not to eat healthy.

I tend to plan meals pretty religiously during the week when I have to pack stuff to take to work. On workdays I eat 5 of my 6 meals either on the road or at the office, so planning is required. But when I'm home things are much more lax. And now I'm about to face 5 full days at home on a mini vacation. So I need to stay on top of the meal planning thing and not let myself go carb crazy. Just some ponderings...

 ~Pam

Downtime vs. Being Busy

I'm gone about 60 hours a week for my job.  I'm taking a full load of classes at college.  I'm part of the 20-week training program that ends in a half marathon this fall.  I attend three different WLS support groups per month - leading one of them.  I'm a part of a photography group, a girlfriends dining group and a crafters group all with full schedules I could take advantage of.  I own my home and have the regular household chores that everyone has except since I'm single, I get all of them by myself.  And of course I've got family obligations just like everyone else.  

I'm damn busy!

I'm also a homebody.  I like being home and hanging out in my own space. I like to sleep late sometimes or spend the day watching movies or engrossed in a good book.  In the summer I like hanging out on my patio enjoying the sunshine. 

But I also like to travel and go on day trips.  Although I don't seem to have the time to do this as much as I want.  Which is why I made the goal to do the Traveling Race Mania thing.  

How can I fit it all in and still have a life that I enjoy?

As you know from my last post ... when life gets too crazy I tend to revert back to my most basic comfort desires.  Comfort foods, hibranating at home and letting bad health habits creep back into my routine.  This can be dangerous if I let it happen too often.  And I don't want days like that to happen -- it makes me feel bad.  So how do I avoid it?

I need to figure out how to not be so busy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.... easier said than done.  About a month ago I started using Google Calendar a bit more faithfully than I had been.  Everything is now on the calendar so I can see all the commitments and appointments I have.  Everything.  It's pretty overwhelming to see it all there in writing.  

But over the past couple days I've been going through and making adjustments.  Deciding what's important and what can be eliminated.  Now that the days are less crowded I now need to set a specific schedule for school work.  My goal is to actually set up an area in my house that is devoted strictly to doing school stuff.  Not a desk necessarily .. but maybe my easy chair with a table next to it for comfortable reading (cuz there's a LOT of reading going on here!).   Also need to get my Crim training schedule and homework exercises onto the calendar so I can see it all in one place.  

It's all a major balancing act.  Being healthy and having more energy and being involved in achieving my goals -- it takes a lot of time and commitment.   I just need to refine my schedule a bit more so it doesn't become a burden and is actually something I enjoy.  

But it is all worth it for the life I have right now.

~Pam

WLS Wisdom from a Photographer?

The other day I was catching up on my blog reading (a never ending battle). As you know, I love photography and subscribe to many photo blogs. Ed Z Studios had an interesting post the other day that included some "words of wisdom" from a professional photographer to people just starting out in the photography business. I was struck by how easily the advice given could translate to us after WLS ... not just as it relates to losing weight, but also how we live our lives and make the changes we want to see in our character, habits and lifestyle. Here's a few of my favorite points (I've added my personal comments in parenthesis after some of the points):

• Style is a voice, not a prop or an action. If you can buy it, borrow it, download it, or steal it, it is not a style. Don’t look outward for your style; look inward. (Define “style” any way you’d like … is it your personality, character or fashion sense?)

• Know your stuff. Luck is a nice thing, but a terrifying thing to rely on. (Makes me think of being educated about nutrition, our new anatomy and what to expect with life after WLS.)

• Never apologize for your own sense of beauty. Nobody can tell you what you should love. Do what you do brazenly and unapologetically.

• Say no. Say it often. It may be difficult, but you owe it to yourself. … You are no good to anyone when you’re stressed and anxious.

• Learn to say “I’m a photographer” out loud with a straight face. If you can’t say it and believe it, you can’t expect anyone else to, either. (Replace the word “photographer” with whatever term you want to be identified as.)

• You cannot specialize in everything.

• Accept critique, but don’t apply it blindly. Just because someone said it does not make it so. Critiques are opinions, nothing more. Consider the advice, consider the perspective of the advice giver, consider your style and what you want to convey in your work (life). Implement only what makes sense to implement.

• Leave room for yourself to grow and evolve.

• Gimmicks and merchandise will come and go, but honest photography is never outdated. (This makes me think of all the fad diets we tried before WLS – now the “honest photography” to use is a healthy lifestyle of moderation and good food and exercise choices.)

• Never forget why you started taking pictures in the first place… Never let your technique upstage your subject. (Sometimes we get bogged down in the daily calorie counting, exercise logging and protein gram tracking … and we forget why we had WLS in the first place. To be healthy.)

• Never compare your journey with someone else’s. It’s a marathon with no finish line. Someone else may start out faster than you, may seem to progress more quickly than you, but every runner has his own pace. Your journey is your journey, not a competition. You will never “arrive”. No one ever does.

• Embrace frustration. It pushes you to learn and grow, broadens your horizons, and lights a fire under you when your work has gone cold. Nothing is more dangerous to an artist than complacence.

Be on the look out for inspiration all around you. You never know where the next words of wisdom will come from.

~Pam

Caloric-a-phobia

I invented a new mental disorder and diagnosed myself with it the other day. I'm in self-therapy and I'm working through the mental hurdles of overcoming my disease. Caloric-a-phobia can be defined as the fear of calories. Obviously from my last post, you already know I am struggling with this issue. But in the past several days I have eaten enough to boost my numbers up where they need to be. If all goes well today, this will be the 4th day in a row that I've achieve my goal of near-1400-calories/day. It has been a battle with myself, but I'm doing it. I think the main reason this is so hard for me is because I haven't allowed myself to regularly eat over 1200 calories/day for over 3 years. Remember that the 2 years before surgery I was on a very strict diet of 1200 calories. Then post-surgery my calories were down around 500 for a couple months and slowly increased until I was steadily at about 1000-1200. So jumping to 1400 is a huge step for me. Yes, there have been days since surgery where I've "pigged out" and eaten way more than my allotted calories. But, in my mind, those holidays don't count. Yes, I could easily hit the 1400 calorie/day mark by eating crappy food (a bag of Doritos would do the trick!). But I want to maintain my 40% protein, 40% carbs, 20% fat nutrient balance -- which makes the whole meal planning process a bit difficult. Some have asked why I'm increasing my calories at this point -- when I still have weight to lose. Remember back in December when I had my 1 year follow up appointment with the surgeon's office? The Nutritionist told me at that time to increase my calories to 1500-1800/day. Yikes! I freaked out at that "seemingly random" number. I had my RMR (resting metobolic rate) tested and it showed I need 1450 calories per day to just exist as a blob. The nutritionist who gave the RMR test suggested I increase to at least the 1450 range. My PCP also suggested I increase my calories. All these suggestions came as a direct results of a weight loss plateau/slow down. I'm doing good this week with the Caloric-a-phobia. It has been an exhausting mental struggle - yes, my brain hurts from all the fighting going on inside my head. Maybe one day soon I'll be able to do this WLS Journey thing without so much hard work. Maybe. ~Pam

Meditation

One of my 9 Goals for 2009 is to meditate and become more aware of my spirituality. I mentioned this to my mom the other day and she gave me a funny look... like I was suddenly worshiping some alternate god or turning to some other strange religion. Of course, that's not my intention at all. 

To me meditation is a time for me to be quiet and alone with my own thoughts, to more fully understand my inner self and to learn to love the person that I am and those around me through a greater awareness of my spirit, my relationship with God, my daily experiences and my emotions.

Today in my search for some soothing music to meditate to, I stumbled across the Online Meditation Classes. There are 32 individual class "sessions" that are MP3 files so you can download them, load 'em up on the media player and listen at your leisure. Or listen directly on your computer if that's easier. I've listened to first class and think I'm really going to enjoy this series. It seems to be perfect for the novice meditation student. 

Speaking of music... that site also has an outstanding collection of soothing music. I've downloaded a bunch already. I still want to check out the guided meditation section too. 

~Pam