A Day at the Beach...

The beach where I sat to decide if WLS was right for me.

There's a roadside park just outside Port Austin, Michigan that allows the traveler access to the shore of Lake Huron. I stopped at the park on my way home from a day exploring the little towns in Michigan's "Thumb Area" - just to see what it was like. Today the sky was a brilliant blue without a cloud in sight; the gentle breeze was refreshing against my sunburnt skin and the sand of the lakeshore was warm under my toes.

As I walked along the water this afternoon, I was deep in thought. I hadn't brought my beach chair or my new Nora Roberts book to keep me company; I was alone with myself and enjoying the solitude. I came upon a log that had washed up onto shore long ago and was bleached by the sun. The perfect place to sit and watch the water lap on the sand just a few feet in front of me.

I've been doing some research about gastric bypass surgery over the past several months. I knew all I needed to know to make an educated decision about whether or not I wanted to have the surgery. I understood the risks involved and knew the changes I'd need to make in my life. I had even made a 3-page list of all my doubts and fears and if they were valid enough to stop me from having the surgery. I had personal experiences with weight loss surgery because both my younger sister and mother had the procedure with great success.

But something was holding me back from making the decision; of saying "yes" or "no". I think that "thing" that was holding me back was time. Time to sit alone in silence and think about my life. I'd done all the research and let my mind be filled with the possibilities, but I hadn't taken the time to really contemplate if I wanted to go through with it or not.

Sometimes our lives are so hectic and travel so fast that we don't take the time to meditate about our life and what decisions we want to make. Too often we make major life-altering decisions on the fly because we have no other option since life is moving so quickly.

I didn't want to be hasty in this decision. It is too important of a change to make without serious soul-searching.

As I sat on the beach this afternoon, whittling away at a stick I picked up from the sand, I had the silence and time I needed to decide. Time to think about what I liked about my life as it was and how it might change if I was at a normal weight. Time to think about the health problems that have plagued me over the past 5 years and what things would be like if they were gone. Time to decide if I was really strong enough to make the changes I knew would be necessary. I sat on that log for nearly 2 hours.

Searching my soul for the answers until I was firm in the decision that came to me... I will have gastric bypass surgery. I want my health back. I am tired of being the fat girl. I'm tired of being sick. I want to be in control. I will make the changes in my life that are necessary to be the person I want to be. I am strong enough. I feel at peace with my decision.

So I'm starting this online journal for myself. As a way to keep myself accountable, a way to keep track of my thoughts and feelings. But most of all to have a tangible way to see my progress, the obstacles I've overcome and the amazing strides I'll take on my journey. Some might think this is too public of a venue for such a private journey. But I know myself and know that when I state my goals out loud - to someone or just to the universe in general - I am more apt to stick with it, more motivated to realize my goal and more driven to be successful. So this journal is as much for me as it is for those who read it.

I'm also writing this journal for others who might be making the decision too and I hope that some of the lessons I learn, the doubts & fears I overcome or the triumphs I'll realize might help others as they are starting their journey through weight loss surgery.

~Pam