Ponderings

I'm feeling very cotemplative today. So this post will probably be rambling and all over the map... but I just need to get some stuff out of my brain and down on paper today. This weekend my Grandmother had a small stroke. Doctors are hopeful that's is just a TIA - which means all symptoms will disappear after 24 hours and there is no permenant damage. She lost her speech and ability to walk, but when I saw her last night, she was doing great and talking up a storm, just like normal. This happened about a year ago too. It's a big scare for us because my Grandmother suffered a major stroke when she was 41 years old and suffered permenant damage to her speech and comprehension and some function of her right hand/leg. So anytime we hear mention of "stroke" with her current health condition, we get nervous. But she's doing well and it looks like she'll come home from the hospital today - her birthday is today, by the way. So of course she's been on my mind and this morning I came to the realization that I am very close to the age that she was when she had the stroke. I'm 39 years old. What if life as I knew it were to change completely in just 3 short years - I can't imagine how devestating that must have been emotionally for my grandmother who was still in the process of raising teenagers and was soon to be enjoying an empty nest with my grandfather. So these thoughts are making me rethink how much I appreciate my life, how far I've come and how far I have yet to go in achieving my goals and reaching my aspirations. And of course, these types of thoughts lead me to being single. Most of the time I'm content with my life and enjoy my independence. I like being accountable to only myself and having the ability to do whatever I want to do without having to answer to anyone else. But sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had a companion to share it with. A man to love me unconditionally and one I can love back. One day I hope to have that. And some days I wish that "one day" were here. But then I remember how much I hate dating and the headache it always seems to be ... and I begin to appreicate my single-ness again. But today I seem to be wallowing in the "being single blues." It never lasts long and will pass quickly. I've also been trying to figure out what I'm going to do about my weight. Not losing is frustrating and discouraging. Every day is a battle to keep doing the right things because it doesn't seem to make any difference on the scale whether I'm good or bad with my eating - nothing makes the scale move. Which reminds me of the battle I fought pre-op when I couldn't lose any weight no matter how hard I worked because of the PCOS and insulin resistance issues I struggled with. "Quitting" is a word I don't want to think about, but it's entered my thoughts lately and I constantly have to push it away. A month from now will mark the day when I hit the 100-pounds-lost mark. Today the scale shows that I have lost a mere 10 additional pounds since that day. Since the scale plays up and down with about 3 pounds, some days that number is an additional 13 pounds. I'm still wearing the same size clothes as I was a year ago - so I can't even claim that I'm losing inches. The statistics for excess weight loss after RNY show an average of 60% - 80% loss of excess weight. If I use the Met Life ideal body weight of 134 (which is what my surgeon uses) to calculate my percentage, I've lost 68.4%. If I use my goal weight of 160 to calculate my percentage, I've lost 81.2%. So either way I fall within the averages. But why doesn't that make me feel any better about what the scale is telling me these days? Most of the time I can ignore the nagging feeling of the scale and just focus on my life and how far I've come -- but some days it's just hard to ignore it. Today is one of those days. Ok, enough ponderings for now. I'll have to meditate of these things and find peace with my chaotic thoughts. Thanks for listening to me ramble... ~Pam