Monday, August 16, 2010


This is a quote that my friend Nikki heard last week and passed it along to me .... it's one of those types of quotes that make you stop and contemplate it's meaning in your own life. Then later in the day she put forth a challenge to folks on ObestiyHelp to blog about their feelings of the quote. I'll link to the other blog posts below.
Unvoiced expectations are resentments in waiting.

What does this quote mean to me?

Before my surgery I made lots and lots of lists. Lists of expectations. Lists of pros & cons. Lists of questions that were yet unanswered. Lists of fears and worries and things that might keep me from having weight loss surgery. I also made some lists of things that surgery would change in my life -- how I ate, how I looked, how I felt, how healthy I would be. Lists of what I'd give up and what I'd gain. This was all part of my decision making process and were all done well before I even decided to go forward with having RNY. It was good therapy for me because it gave me the chance to examine what I was afraid of and what I was excited about.

Because I spent so much time examining my innermost thoughts and feelings about what to expect with WLS, I feel that I had a better handle on things. I saw my sister and mother go before me into this journey, so I knew the pitfalls and triumphs and all the hard work that was going to be necessary. So I feel that my expectations were fairly realistic.  I did a good job of actually expressing (voicing) my expectations before I took the leap.

Do I have resentment about those expectations?

Actually, yes. I do. And it's unfortunate that I'm letting "fairly realistic" expectations that were not met cause resentment to grow within me. ::: sigh :::

So here's the deal. Remember that group therapy session I went through this past winter? Well, one of the big things that came out of that was how much I'm letting resentment into my life.  It seems to be resentment over my inability to lose any additional weight... resentment toward my doctors for not being able to figure out why I can't lose weight .... resentment over various drains on my time and energy .... and sometimes resentment at having to live the WLS lifestyle when all I want is to be normal. (There's more, but that hits the highlights, I guess.)

But let's just focus on the weight loss expectation and resulting resentment.

One of the expectations I had before surgery that was not met -- but I felt was "fairly realistic" was my weight goal. I set my goal at "160-ish" which meant as soon as I hit 169, then I'd be at goal. (Just for reference sake, my ideal body weight and the number my surgeon's office uses for statistical purposes is 134.) My weight fluctuates between 189-194 and has been stable in that range for almost two years. My BMI is around 30-31 (obese) and I wear a size 16 pant and large or x-large tops and I've lost 65% of my excess body weight.

Was 169 really so far off from realistic?  It certainly wasn't an "unvoiced expectation" which is suppose to be what causes resentment -- if the quote is accurate.  So why am I so resentful of not being able to lose any additional weight? Maybe the resentment comes from the fact that my expectations were pretty down to earth and should have been within the realm of reality.  Afterall, the stats say I should lose 60-80% of my excess weight.... why do I have to live at the bottom of that range and not at least make it to the middle?

I'm working on the whole resentment thing. It's a slow process and I need to journal more and do some more brain dumping. It's hard work .... and maybe it's so hard and slow because a part of me doesn't want to give up the resentment entirely. Who knows. Most days I'm fine and perfectly happy with where I am in my life and don't even think about it. But the days when it creeps up on me... yeah, not so good.

And how do my ramblings relate back to the original quote?

Well, I guess my situation shows that even VOICED expectations can also lead to resentments. It doesn't have to always be unvoiced.


Other bloggers talking about this quote:



  1. You make me think of Abraham for some reason. The “original” Abraham. I mean, let’s take a look at his life. He lived through his heyday with not a single child, a single heir to carry forth his name. And just when he’d resigned himself to the fact that the son of one of his slaves was to be his heir, in what most of us would consider the autumn of our lives, God chose to make him the father of all nations. This is to say a few things. Firstly, that what we see as success may not gel with the bigger picture. Next, that you’re never truly “out of the game” and lastly, sometimes there is a phenomenal greatness in patience and faith. You lift us up Pam and in many ways you are our Abraham. Keep on shining!

  2. Thank you Nik. These words mean the world to me.

  3. Wow - this hit so many buttons for me. I had my Roux en y 6 days after you, Nov 19th 2007, and I also thought I had some fairly achieveable goals. My surgeons office wanted me to get down to 74 kgs(163.8 lbs)BMI of 24.44,which is the upper range of my BMI. I knew that with the excess skin, and I knew I would have some, I would sit heavier than that. My target was 90 kgs (198 lbs)BMI 29.73 but here I am hovering around 105 kgs 231 lbs. I know that some of this is now due to medication, but I am dissapointed in lots of ways


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