Friday, November 13, 2009

2 Years Ago Today

Early this morning as I was driving to work I reflected on the morning of my RNY surgery two years ago. I wasn't nervous the morning of my surgery... or in the weeks leading up to the big day. I was impatient and just ready to start the new phase of my life. I remember the nurse asking me if I needed some medication to help me relax and I declined it because I already was relaxed. My mom was more nervous than I was.

When I started my goal was to hit 150lbs by 18 months post-op. To wear single-digit clothing. To be healthy and athletic and full of energy. I wanted to use my vacation time at work for real vacations and not just doctor appointments to treat my obesity-related-ailments. And somewhere in the back of my mind I imagined myself in a relationship with a man I was crazy about. There were other lofty goals too, but these are the big ones that have stuck with me.

When I named this blog "Journey to a Healthier Me" -- I don't think I fully realized what a journey it would actually be. When we start this WLS thing we all seem to have a preconceived notion of how things are going to go. Which steps we'll take, what things come next and how it's all going to be in the end. At the beginning we believe there will be a finish line, but somewhere along the way we realize that this is not a journey that has an end. 

This is a journey of a lifetime. It's a journey that IS my life.

So when I think about all the goals I have not yet achieved I struggle sometimes. As you know I am still not at the weight I want to be - another 30 pounds would ideal in my mind. And it's not for lack of trying that the weight isn't coming off either. I AM healthy and athletic and energetic. Sorry, no hot man on my arm, so that goal is also unachieved. LOL! I think the lack of weight loss is what bugs me the most. But you knew that already, right?

Remember the Comprehensive Holistic Wellness Plan? The goals I set for all areas of my health -- physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, vocational, intellectual, etc. I haven't forgotten them. I think this is something that is a lifelong plan rather than something, again, with a finish line. I guess right now my whole life seems to be revolving around the intellectual and vocational goals -- going to college full time (while working full time) is taking up so much of my life that there's not much room for anything else. Once this big one is achieved, I'll be able to focus on more of these goals later.

I'm proud of where I am today.

It's taken me a while to accept the weight issue. To realize that my success in this weight loss journey is not tied to the number on the scale, but is based on how I feel about myself and how comfortable I am in my own skin. That post a few weeks ago about seeing myself in a photo of a crowd of people and being a normal size -- things like that go a long way for me in realizing that I'm a success even if I haven't gotten to 150lbs. 

I AM a success. I AM proud of myself. I AM amazing. 

And I have the rest of my life to work toward whatever goals I still want to achieve-- there's no hurry, it'll all happen in its own time.

Many people say "I love my RNY" and give all the credit to the surgery itself. I don't really share that attitude. Yes, the RNY was the springboard for my weight loss and resetting my body's screwed up system to allow the weight to come off. But it was ME who fought the fight and lost the weight. So instead of saying that I love my surgery, guess I need to say: "I love myself!" The surgery was great, but ya know... I worked my butt off for these 113 pounds and I'm damn proud of myself!


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