Excited, Anxious, Nervous, Strange Feelings

I Googled the word "anxious" and came up with this definition that seems to define how I'm feeling right now: full of mental distress or uneasiness; greatly worried; earnestly desirous; excited or eager One moment I'm excited and happy to be taking these great strides in my journey. One moment I'm scared and extremely nervous because of the risk of complications and the extreme changes I'll be facing. One moment I feel like I'm in a dream and all this is happening to someone else. Mostly I'm just eager to have the surgery and begin my new life. Today, Sunday, October 28th is the final day of "normal eating." I start my 2 liquid diet tomorrow morning. In a way I feel like I need to be having some big last-day-celebration with all my favorite foods and all my friends and family around. But here I sit at home, alone with very little food in the house since I haven't gone grocery shopping in a couple weeks. So even when I got up this morning there wasn't really anything here for breakfast and lunch was a frozen burrito that I nuked in the microwave. Sounds exciting, huh? This morning I made a batch of my grandmother's homemade noodles. My dad used to make these all the time when I was a kid and it's one of my favorite comfort foods. So the noodles are spread out on the kitchen counter air drying for now --- soon they'll be dinner. I'll grill up a chicken breast to go along with it. My official "last supper." My relationship with food will never be the same again. More soon... ~Pam

The Call to Schedule Surgery

I posted the story of "the call" on my Obesity Help profile. So rather than re-writing the story, I thought I'd just copy it to here as well. --- I was sitting at my desk at work chit chatting with a co-worker when my cell phone rang. I checked the caller ID and it wasn't a number I recognized, so I sent the call to voicemail. A minute later my work phone started ringing and the caller ID showed the same number that just called my cell phone but this time it said "Hurley Medical Center." So I told my friend I'd catch up with her later and took the call. It was Monica from Hurley Bariatric Clinic saying: "Hi Pam, I'm calling to schedule your surgery today." I was shocked because I didn't think she even had all the paperwork she needed since I'd only asked my PCP for his letter of medical necessity just 2 days earlier. I figured I was still a few weeks from even getting a call. I was thrilled, of course. She gave me the choice of which doctor I wanted (Wagner or Farhan) and I told her I would be happy with either one. As it turned out, Dr. Wagner wasn't available until November 27th, but Dr. Farhan had an opening on November 13th so I grabbed that date. I meet with Dr. M for my pre-op testing next week (October 24th) and do a meet-and-greet with Dr. Farhan just before I see Dr. M. Then I will be going through the "nursing and nutrition class" on Thursday morning. I start my pre-op liquid diet on October 29th! Which is only 10 days away! Can you believe it?! Amazing that it's going so fast. I have a feeling I'm going to be eating uncontrollably for the next 10 days... I need to make sure I keep a handle on that bad habit. Gotta remember that any weight I put on now I'll just have to work hard at getting off after surgery. And I certainly don't need to do any more work then necessarily. My boss is taking me out to lunch next week. She's so happy for me and knows how hard I've worked to get through all the insurance hoops. Also going out to dinner with a friend this weekend -- didn't realize I'd have a surgery date when I made the plans, but I think I'll request we go someplace yummy. So yeah, I'm excited. Everything feels like a huge whirlwind of activity right now and it's coming a lot faster than I ever figured it would. Once things got moving, they just went so fast. I'm a tiny bit nervous. A lot anxious. My head is spinning. So much to do in the next 4 weeks to get ready. So many things I have planned. So happy. ~Pam

I have a date!

November 13th is the big day! More to follow ~Pam

Timing is Everything

I've been thinking a lot lately about the timing of my surgery and if I can actually get everything to happen in a timely manner. Timing has been on my mind for the past few weeks ...I work for a large organization and am on the staff of the CEO’s administration. Technically, I have 4 bosses. Kelly is my direct supervisor – she’s the office manager. Bob is the speech writer / media dude for the CEO – I’m his secretary/assistant. Nancy is the human resources director – I’m also her secretary/assistant. Then there’s the CEO who is also technically my boss… so that makes 4.

For the past couple days, I had been having a big discussion with Kelly about the scheduling issues surrounding my surgery. Right now she’s trying to deal with all the requests for time off from other staffers around the holidays and since my surgery schedule is still up in the air, it’s causing problems for her and might result in some people getting denied for their holiday time off requests. Which would not be good because she’d have to deny their request but not be able to tell them why (since I don't want the news of my surgery to be shared with anyone in the office besides my bosses until I actually have a date).

Another Snag --- the big annual, year-end speech by the CEO is scheduled for February 7th. This is probably the single biggest project/event that my boss (the speech-writer & the CEO) deals with throughout the year. It takes Bob about 5-6 weeks worth of research, writing and editing to finish the speech and pass it off to the CEO in time for him to make any additional changes before the final version is complete. Bob normally starts interviewing managers and department heads by early to mid-December to begin his research. I deal with the scheduling of those 20-30 meetings. Then he writes the first draft of the speech over the Christmas holiday and returns afterward with about 6 tapes of dictation for me to start typing. Then for the next 3 weeks or so he edits the first draft dramatically… with me making all the changes to the typed copy. And in the midst of all this speech writing/editing, I’m dealing with the organization for this huge event. So yeah, it’s just a speech, but it’s a pretty big deal --- lots of logistics that need to be dealt with, committee meetings, signing, department display booths, reserved seating for 350+ guests of local dignitaries, media coordination to help with, tv crews, big party afterward to deal with …… and since I’m the assistant to the speech writer, I get to deal with all those details. So I can’t be gone during that time. I need to be in the office between about December 20th and February 7th for the bulk of this work.

Something else to consider ... I know many people say that they have been back to work within 2 weeks after their laparoscopic surgery. But I don’t want to go back that soon. I am planning to take 4 weeks off after surgery. Why so long? A couple reasons –

1. My job isn’t close to home and I have a 90 minute commute each way. So I’m gone for nearly 12 hours per day just to work a normal 8-hour day. I don’t want to push myself too quickly and end up too fatigued when dealing with the long days. And I have read that most people notice a dramatic difference in their energy level at about week-4.
2. I haven’t had a vacation in 2 years because I have been hording my vacation and personal time for the surgery. I do have short-term disability, but will also need to use some of my vacation time to make up the difference. While I have the chance, I want to take a little bit extra time to really acclimate myself to the changes I need to make without feeling rushed to go back to work. I also want to progress to the soft-food stage before I even think about going back to a 12 hour workday.

Because of this decision to take a full 4 weeks, it is causing some of these scheduling issues around the holidays.

So I’ve made a decision about the date and timing of my surgery.

If I can’t secure a surgery date that happens before Thanksgiving, so I can be back before Christmas, then I’ll postpone the surgery until after February 7th.

No. I am not happy about that decision. In fact, it makes me a bit teary just thinking about having to wait another 3 or 4 months. But I know it’s got to be done. And by making this decision on my own, rather then being told by my boss it’s what I have to do… it makes it easier to accept. I've told Kelly about this decision and she was very appreciative of my willingness to be flexible.

I know that the magnitude of this speech project needs to be dealt with and to ask someone else to handle the huge event isn’t fair – not fair to my co-worker who’d have to step in and deal with it; not fair to my speech-writer boss who would have to take on the added stress of training someone new at the last minute; not fair to my office-manager boss who would need to juggle the holiday schedule of all the other employees to accommodate my schedule and not fair to my co-workers who want/need time off for family obligations during the holidays who wouldn’t get to take the time off they’ve asked for because my spot would need to be covered.

So I’ll postpone if I need to. But I’m going to do everything in my power over the next 3 or 4 weeks to get a date secured before Thanksgiving. I really want to begin my WLS journey. I’ve waited long enough. I’m anxious to start.

More later …
Pam

Big Week

What a busy, exciting, big week this has been! So many great things have happened – let me share them with you. Monday – I met with Hurley’s recommended psychologist for my psych evaluation. This was my second one, so I knew what to expect. Obviously, the doctor questioned why I was getting another evaluation and I had to give him the sob story of my lame doctor who can’t take good notes about what happens during office visits. So I took the 300-question Personality Assessment Testing after a short conversation with the doctor about my general mental state. The thing I like about this doctor is that he goes over the testing results during the same appointment (I’ve heard of others who have to wait 6 weeks for their results). My personality shows that I’m caring, compassionate, assertive and forthright and that I’m an excellent candidate for Bariatric surgery. He also noted that my personality test results reveal that my personality hasn’t changed in the year since my last test – this shows that I’ve got a stable mental capacity and don’t have dramatic mood swings. Gee, I sound normal, huh? Wednesday – I met with my peer support group for dinner on Wednesday evening. I know I’ve said it before, but I really do love these women! Everyone is so supportive and caring – I have truly developed some lasting friendships with this group. I also received in the mail the psych eval results from the doctor’s office (he makes sure that I get the same thing the surgeon’s office gets). Thursday – I stopped off at Hurley Health and Fitness Center this morning on the way in to work for my FINAL monthly weigh-in. So it’s official. My 12 month doctor-supervised diet documentation is complete. Bob will compile all the paperwork and fax it over to the surgeon’s office in the next day or two. I got a little teary-eyed as I hugged Bob goodbye and told him thank you for all he’s done for me over the past year. He’s been a great support and I’m glad I used their program for my diet documentation. I also made a few calls today. First to the surgeon’s office to alert them that things were moving again. They’d already received my psych eval paperwork and would keep an eye out for the diet documentation stuff too. I asked what the next steps were and they said I needed to get my medical clearance and letter of support from my family doctor. Once they have all the paperwork then they’ll submit all the paperwork for approval from the insurance company. So my next call was to the family doctor. I’ve got an appointment for next week – Wednesday, October 17th. I will take him copies of all the paperwork I’ve gotten so far (diet documentation paperwork and psych eval) and some samples of support letters and what needs to be written for the medical clearance. I want to make it as simple as possible for him to get the paperwork complete quickly. So next week will have some big things happening too. Keep your fingers crossed that all goes smoothly over the next few weeks. More later … Pam